The Rebelle blog

All my life, I've been terrified of water. Even on treks with waterfalls, while being under one I would feel that I would drown in that gushing water. After I moved to Delhi, one of the things that I steadfastly did was exercise daily in the mornings. One day I found myself wanting to explore swimming lessons and promptly located one quite near my locality. Yesterday was my first day at a swimming pool early in the morning at 5:45 and I was quite surprised to see lots of children at that hour. Quite nervous but with vigour I entered the pool and found myself struggling to float when the coach directed me to loosen my body and shake off my fear. With trepidation, I repeated what he asked me to do and in a couple of minutes was floating on water. That moment felt like the greatest conquest of my life. He then asked me to hold my breath under water which is what I have always been quite nervous about. I took a deep breath and went down the water and for a few microseconds, my life fel...

I am writing this last blog post of this year. It has been a while that I've written here regularly.  2024 was the YEAR OF THE DRAGON, and I was born in one. It was my year or so to say and indeed that's what I believed as 2024 rolled in the beginning. Now as I collect my thoughts and get ready to wrap up another year of doings and non-doings, so much comes to my mind. This was the year that I became a plant(s) nurturer. In my 30+ years of existence on this planet, this was truly the year and time that I embraced gardening like breathing. Especially, the first three months up until March had my spirits soaring as I watched my balcony grow bigger and greener with plants and flowers. I am so proud over what I accomplished this year early on. Gardening kept me sane. I discovered my connection with growing greens. All these years, I didn't quite know what to do and was under confident about my ability to maintain plants. I am glad to have overcome that fear. Thankfully the weat...

There is nothing called forever. It's only an imagined term, not even a concept. Everything is real and unreal at the same time. I cannot begin to list down the many fears and grief notes I have gone through in the past few months. I write and that's my biggest strength. Nobody can replace what we share with our self. There is simply no replacement and no placeholder for our thoughts than ourselves. It is difficult to rely on another person for our mental well-being. I believe now, we must not. Its another thing to share our woes and have a sympathetic ear listen to us, but its absolutely a no-no to get burnt out because of what we are expected to do in return. Thank you life for bringing me such people and helping me understand the larger ways in which I ought to lead myself in this world. No love is permanent and certainly, no grief is. Let me grieve for a bit here and then I shall grow. Afterall, all life is for growing. Let me heal within the space of my mind. Let ...

आपण आपला आनंद दुसऱ्यांमध्ये का म्हणून आणि किती दिवस शोधत राहायचा? सगळं माहिती असतं डोक्याला, मनाला, बुद्धीला तरी सुद्धा आपण उगाच भावनांच्या खेळात अडकतो. मी इतके दिवस तुझ्याशी नीट वागले, तुझं सगळं म्हणणं ऐकून घेतलं म्हणून तू सुद्धा माझ्यासोबत नीट वागलास. आता तुझ्या मनाप्रमाणे हव्या तशा गोष्टी घडत नाही म्हणून तू रुसवे- फुगवे करायला लागला आहेस! तिच्याशी मी तुझ्यासाठी बोलत नाही हा तुझा आरोप. इतक्या नानाविध पद्धतीने तुला समजावण्याचा प्रयत्न केला मी गेली दोन-अडीच वर्षे, पण सर्व उथळ पाण्यात वाहून गेलं. आता तिच्याशी मी बोलायला तयार नाही आणि ती तुझ्याशी, तर तू माझ्यासोबत बोलणं टाकलंस. ठीक आहे. तुझ्या येण्याआधी सुद्धा मी जगत होते आणि खूप चांगल्या पद्धतीने, उत्तम आरोग्यात होते. तुझ्या नसण्याने माझ्या आयुष्यात थोडे दिवस एखादी पोकळी निर्माण होईल पण ती भरून देखील जाईल. मी उगाच तुझ्या जाण्याने कोलमडून जाईन असं तुला वाटत असेल तर अजिबात नाही. एवढा अधिकार नाही दिला मी तुला माझ्या आयुष्यात, किंबहुना तो कुणालाच नाही आणि कधी देणार सुद्धा नाही. खूप रडले मी तुझ्यासोबत असताना आणि आता तर मला फक्त त्या...

Today, I came across this poem written by Laurel Chen after Gwendolyn Brooks. I read it first about a year ago and promptly forgot about it seeing how I was dealing with multiple factions in my life then.  I will briefly write about what the words ignited in me today evening as I read them. It's been quite a few days and someone from my family is angry with me. We cease to talk like we did before because we've decided to not talk about the one topic that was all which was left between us. And, so, here we are. As I read the lines,  Grief is not the only geography I know. I wish I could write in words and speak of the untamed ridges that befall upon me as I take in the hurt, anger, guilt and helplessness within me. I couldn't do enough for you, and it shall remain a deep regret within me. If grief is love with nowhere to go, then  Oh, I've loved so immensely. If only I could let you believe that things happen for a reason and why being like this is better right now for a...

 ...Country roads,  take me home  To the place I belong! I am crooning to Olivia Newton- John singing this lovely, understated melody from the Studio Ghibli movie 'Whisper of the Heart.' I watched it one slow summer night as I was lying low with self-doubt and an extreme dip into my self-esteem. What a saver it turned out to be! I resonated with Shizuku, her love for reading and writing and struggling to fit in the ideas of how everyone wanted her to be. How strange that age is truly just a number, and anybody can feel vulnerable yet derive strength from such visually striking stories. Coming of age is just a phenomenon and we can do so at any point in our lives.  So enthralled was I with the viewing that I rewatched it a couple of days later with another young friend. The feeling remained the same, filled with awe and a resonance with her discoveries. I became a little girl once again and relished the things that made me, ME. Sometimes it takes not people but a work...

CHENNAI   20 th  August 2023, Saturday As I get off my cab into a long-winded quaint pathway in an upscale neighborhood that leads to a cafe which is like all others in the city; dimly lit exterior turning bright as one opens their blue topaz colored door. I am greeted by the sight of a group of people sitting by a large center table filled with cups of coffee and hot chocolate and piles of books. They are unmistakably the book club that I have come to meet even before my Chennai friend spots me and gets up to greet me.   I immediately like this group of spirited young people talking animatedly on Young Adult and fictional narratives. I delve in and tell them about my current read- in fact, my fresh read. I had picked it up at Higginbothams titled 'Tamarind City' by Bishwanath Ghosh, an anthology of musings on the city. Surprised with the knowledge that the city also has Tamarind trees in addition with the Drumsticks that find their way into the Tamilian sambar,...

"कह रहा है शोर-ए-दरिया से समुंदर का सुकूत  जिस का जितना ज़र्फ़ है उतना ही वो ख़ामोश है ।" पिछले कुछ दिनों से मैंने खुद के बारे में यह जाना के कितनी आसानी से मैं लोगोंको माफ़ कर देती हूँ।  और, कितनी आसानी से वह वापिस मेरे जिंदगी में शामिल भी हो जाते हैं।  पर, फिर वह पहले जैसी बात नहीं रहती। अब हम बातें तो कर लेते हैं, पर उनमें वह विश्वास नहीं रहा जो पहले था। ऐसा क्यों होता है, हम इंसानो के साथ? इतना भरोसा, इतनी इज्जत जिन्हे हम देते हैं वह किसी बात पर हमसे इतनी बेरुख़ी से पेश क्यूँ आते हैं? ख़ैर, मैंने काफी सोच लिया इस बात पर अब।  बस मसला हमारी जिंदगी में यह हैं की हम बहुत ज्यादा छूट दे देते हैं लोगों को हमें चोट पहुंचाने की। हम उन्हें इतना हक़ दे देते हैं की वह हमें बाद में कुचल दे अपने शब्दों से, अपने बर्ताव से, अपने रूखेपन से।  मुझे वासिम बरेलवी साहब का एक शेर इस वक़्त के लिए काफी मुनासिब लगता हैं--  'तुम गिराने में लगे थे, तुमने सोचा ही नहीं, मैं गिरा तो मसला बनकर खड़ा हो जाऊंगा।' हम तो सभी को अपना लेते हैं जो भी हमारी राहों में जुड़ते जाते हैं। साथ मिलकर, बैठकर...

आज मी मोकळा श्वास घेतला. इतके दिवस जे दडपण होतं, ते निवळलं. मनात दुःखाची एक रुंद दरी निर्माण झाली होती ती आज बुजली. किती किती त्रास करून घेतला मी स्वतःला, उगाच मनाला निरर्थक क्लेश दिला. बोलणं महत्वाचं, कुठल्याही आणि सगळ्या परिस्थितीत.  आपल्या अवतीभवती इतकी माणसं सतत रुंजी घालत असतात, त्यांचे विचार, त्यांचं वागणं आपण स्वतःवर घेतो. त्यानुसार आपण आपल्या भावनांना मोकळीक देतो आणि क्वचित अवचित घोळत बसतो आतल्या आत. आज, खऱ्या अर्थाने माझं मन शांत आहे. फक्त हळुवार फुंकर हवी होती मायेची, जी मी स्वतःला देत नव्हते. इतकं इतरांना देण्यामागे आपण लागतो कि, स्वतःला स्वतःकडून खूप काही हवं असतं हेच विसरतो! पण हा सगळा विचारांचा गुंता आज मी सोडवला आहे.    आणि, याला आता परत थारा नाही.  किती सुंदर दिवस आहेत, फुलण्याचे! उगाच कोमेजून कळीतच अस्तित्व मिटवत होते. बहर असून सुद्धा ढगांना बघून विजेला घाबरत होते. हसण्याचे इतके क्षण आहेत, आणि मी दुःखाला कुरवाळत बसले. आता मोकळा श्वास आणि स्वतःच्या पंखाना थोडं अजून बळ देण्याकरिता घेतलेली ही उंच भरारी!

....find balance and keep the circle flowing!  I woke up today to find myself entirely unable to cope up with the change in weather after having spent the last few days transitioning between different places. That feeling of being lost, and not able to pin a certain emotion as to how I really felt pushed me into a deeper abyss of chaos. My mind was reeling with a thousand clumsy thoughts of not belonging to anywhere whereas I wanted to, so badly.  Come evening, and I unleashed my chaos on to a paper with a yellow paint. Strangely it felt so calm and familiar as I kept going around in circles with the paint brush. The swirls kept moving around in all directions even as my mind kept wandering between people and their stories and my own unfinished conversations with them. I took to writing in my diary everything that happened over the past few days and yet as I went through some pages, I felt like an outsider getting to know little details from a stranger's life. I have had this ...

It's a blur since a few days, once again. I am home!  There have been good things and bad, and events that surprised me out of nowhere. I hadn't anticipated knowing and learning so much in the past few days of being back here. Mostly, the realization of being so conversant with my thoughts again has changed how I feel here. All it takes is a slow Sunday to reflect upon everything that's happening.  More than a week ago, time seemed to loom ahead in an expansive quantity. Now that I am writing here, I realise how much of it I have squandered. We always ponder and regret but never enjoy when we are present in the moment. Old habits die hard. As Simone De Beauvoir once wrote:  I'm not tragic these days, I don't weep, but I feel alone, bewildered, far from you, far from everything — nothing has any meaning. I feel this departure from my old self. I am self-reminiscing the old times and me in it but would not like to continue doing so. Yet, I think about it constantly si...

It's been about 20 days that I am here. Every day that I look back on confuses me ever  more. Is everything happening because it was meant to be Or I do possess some hold over events in the manner in which they are happening?! It's been a rigorous few weeks in terms of coping up with people, their expectations and the gradual process of falling into someone else's thinking. I find sanity in moments of happiness that are sporadic. I find myself questioning the reasons of being here and am unable to justify them, even in my own head.  The newness of being has transitioned into numbness of being. I find myself searching for answers that have no questions. My heart is stressed even more than my mind is. There is a vacuum in my thoughts and my ever-so-optimistic self is hiding behind this vacuum. The emptiness that stares at me everyday is drowning me into an abyss of misery and anguish. The days are spiralling into a fall that I  fear is going to impact me far worse than my m...

BEATLES and MURAKAMI! How do I thank thee for making this evening so pleasurable?! It's one of those evenings where the calm washes over me even as I sit silently listening to the muffled sounds of the drizzling rain outside my living room window. I am thinking of Kafka and stumble upon Murakami's Norwegian Wood playlist on Spotify. You know the serenity in our minds when familiar music makes us feel the quiet pace of a long day and week. My cousin, a musician himself shares amazing music and I believe my musical affinities have since grown from interactions with him. All the troubles seem far away like the Beatles croon on this soft slow evening hour.  These moments of happiness where the flowers bloom in my head and light up memories like diamonds as I take the beauty in the mundane! The magic of the golden hour is back and I want to see how far I can make it to the finish line (if there is one!) and be always home as I explore the blue sea. 

रिमझिम गिरती बूंदो को खिड़की से देखते हुए आज सुबह की चाय का मजा  दुगुना  हो गया। Spotify पर भी गानों  की महफ़िल जमी थी और मैं ना जाने कितने बीते हुए मौसम याद कर चुकी उनको सुनते हुए। क्या रिश्ता है बारिश का हम सभी से जो हम उसे इतना रूमानी कर देते हैं, हमारी बातों में, गानों में और यादों में भी? जैसे मुझे लगता है चाय के साथ भी हम बहुत ज्यादा गुफ्तगू कर लेते है। हर मौसम चाय का स्वाद अच्छा ही लगता हैं। चाहे गर्मियों की शामें हो, या जाड़ों की सुबहें या हो किसी गरजते हुए बारिश की दोपहर। हर शहर की बारिश का नजारा और मंज़र अलग, उनसे जुडी अनगिनत यादें और उन यादों में बसते हुए लोग। राह चलते मिले हुए चेहरों की भीड़ भी बारिशों में याद रह जाती। मुंबई की धुआंदार बारिश में कई बार बंद पड़ी ट्रेन में बैठे हुए जो निराशा होती थी वह शायद ही रास्ते पर चलते हुए ना महसूस हुयी हो। मरीन ड्राइव पर समंदर की ऊँची लहरें को देख ठण्ड से कापते हुए K Rustoms के आइसक्रीम सैंडविच का मजा ही कुछ और था। बैंगलोर की बारिश भी मुझे रूहानी लगती थी बस की खिड़की से देखते हुए। वहां पर सड़क के किनारे रूककर गाड़ियों के शोर ...

I am tired of carrying this burden in my heart. Of things that are lost, that make me regret everything I have done and thought so far, of things that haven't worked out. I keep thinking of what could have been done differently and yet it doesn't make sense to me. I am weak in the moments that need my firm defiance.  Will it always be like this? Will I live a life having to always regret my non-doings and doings?  I wish I had answers and more courage to be stubborn. I am neither and this helplessness is wearing off my limited energy to do better for myself. I will be a faceless dot on this planet burning down in my existence. What a wasted chance to have been born! 

Today was a day of major realization about some missed opportunities. I felt terribly miserable even as I told myself to look at the other things. It prompted me to work out in another direction which I am now quite hopeful about. Did I really take some things for granted in the past two months? I did and I know it. How do I make myself not think too much about it? No clue but hopefully not let my mind wander towards these thoughts. It's quite silly as I look back and keep going towards the incidents in the recent past. And yet, only yesterday did I feel so content and calm over having a long luncheon conversation with my friend. We met for the first time since the pandemic shut us inside our homes. It felt so surreal to be able to sit in a restaurant with people, high voices, background music, laughter and occasional interruptions of new arrivals through the door. Almost like the world had never stopped.  I indulged myself in some material happiness as I bought a couple of books a...

Today is the kind of Sunday when I am too drunk on happiness and on music! All it takes for the heart to be happy is a memory and a warm embrace of love we feel for people and everything around us. This peppy cheer is keeping my spirits high and there is a kind of मदहोशी all around. How happy do I feel! And, I am not going to worry about it being impermanent. Something has changed inside me.  I feel like flying high and away, over the clouds and see the world beneath my wings over a swooping glance! My mind is lost in thoughts as I look back over the years and yet there are butterflies in my stomach about the future. I feel like my younger self from last decade when life was so full of things to explore, the world around me was huge and the eagerness to see it all made it so exciting. Every day was a new experience and I was lost in it, trying to find ways to go more deeper in and it felt like I was everywhere. I remember the laughter and tears, the madness and crazy adventure...

I have had too much to do and see in the past two days. So much so that as I look back, it stuns me to recollect all the energy and experience to be collated into a single narrative. At best, I shall be able to list down the activities and then reminisce the vigor of the people with me.  On Friday, along with a large group of youngsters some of us adults ventured to see the city in a new light and lens. We took breaks and pauses as multiple pairs of eyes looked high up the skies to spot elements of architecture strewn on fading and shiny surfaces. There were brief interludes as we waded through the traffic of people and buses, honking taxis and the many dug road sites. Somewhere in quiet streets, bougainvillea blossoms shone with sunlight and buildings gleamed in delight even as we gathered in groups to take in the beauty of horizontal lines around us. There's a certain madness when lots of young hands are raised in motion to capture the many fascinating sights around them. I felt ...

इस साल की शुरुआत काफी अच्छी रही।  मेरी मुलाक़ात इक नयी दोस्त से हुई। वह इतनी जल्दी प्यारी हो गयी की कभी उसके अजनबी होने का एहसास हुआ ही नहीं।  हम बहुत बातें करते हैं, बहुत सारे विषयों पर - संगीत में हम दोनों को बहुत रूचि है, किताबें पढ़ने में वह दिलचस्पी रखती है और रोज सुबह मेरे लिए कॉफ़ी तक बना लाती है। बहुत मीठी, नर्म मिजाज़ की है मेरी दोस्त।  उनका नाम भी उतना ही प्यारा है, बिलकुल उनके स्वाभाव की तरह। मेरी दोस्त कहलाती है - रजनीगंधा! पहली मुलाकात में उनका नाम सुनते ही मैं गाना गुनगुनाने लगी- 'रजनीगंधा फूल तुम्हारे, महके यूँही जीवन में....' ऐसा बहुत काम बार होता हैं जब हम दूसरों से किसी अवरोध बिना अपनी छोटी-बड़ी बातें बाँटते है, बगैर किसी हिचकिचाहट। इसमें सुननेवाले इंसान के संयम को दाद देनी जरूरी है। मेरे बहुत अच्छे दोस्तों में जल्द ही रजनी शामिल हो चुकी है। यूँ तो यह कहना गलत नहीं होगा की बढ़ती उम्र के साथ हमारी दोस्तियां कम हो जाती है, उनमे से बहुत तो ख़त्म तक होती है। हम बस जिंदगी की रफ़्तार में भागते हुये उन्हें भुला देते हैं। किसी फुरसत भरे पल शायद वह हमें याद भी आती है, पर...

2022 is here and I am still writing, although not as regularly as I used to unlike a few years ago. I do not know whether I should attribute my lack of writing to work, other mediums of expression like Instagram or indifference to documenting my thoughts. I still maintain a diary and write in it but how the notes in it have changed over the past few years. As I succumbed to the age old system of being comfortable in my job, I have since given up on a lot of things that were a strong and inherent part of my life.  I am ageing now, being a tad too old to ponder over every single emotion and yet I find myself morose and cheerless having abandoned my ambitious plans. I suppose it's going to be easy, blaming failures and unfulfilled obligations and goals on this self imposed restriction over the past two years. I feel like time is indeed running through my hands before I can even comprehend about the things I wish to do and people I want with me. What a strange longing!  Today also...