The Rebelle blog

मला उगाचच पटकन मनाला लावून घ्यायची सवय झालीय. फार लवकर वाईट वाटून घेते मी. यात तोटा माझाच होतो शेवटी. प्रचंड मानसिक तणाव राहतो मनावर बरेच दिवस, कधी कधी आठवडे देखील. मागच्या वर्षी तर खूप महिने प्रचंड दडपण आलं होतं मला. अभ्यासात देखील मग मन रमत नव्हतं. त्यामुळे एक फायदा असा झाला कि इथे मी ब्लॉग मात्र नियमितपणे करायला शिकले तेवढ्या अवधीत. आज घरातला पुस्तकांचा आणि वर्तमानपत्रांचा पसारा आवरताना मला बरीचशी जुनी कात्रणं सापडली. मी पार हरखून गेले सगळंच अधाशीपणे वाचण्याच्या नादात. लोकसत्ताच्या लोकरंग तसेच चतुरंग पुरवण्यांमधले अगणित लेख, टिपणं, आणि संग्रही केलेले भरमसाठ विशेष पुरवण्यांचे गठ्ठे! माझी आई नेहमीप्रमाणे मला ओरडली कि सगळं टाकून दे, गरजेपुरतच आता संग्रह आवरता घे. तेवढ्यात माझे डॅडी घरी आले आणि मी काढलेल्या मासिकांच्या गट्ठ्यांना ढूंढाळू लागले. मग काय आम्ही दोघं त्यात गर्क झालो तासभर. शेवटी हो नाही म्हणता म्हणता परत मोठा ढीग झालाच परत. मग जेवणानंतर मी मला वाचावेसे वाटणारे कात्रणं नि पुरवण्या हाताशी धरल्या आणि गुंगून गेले सगळ्यात. खरंच! आपण आयुष्यात किती गोष्टींचा संग्रह करतो. कधी आनंद...

I watched a very insightful movie yesterday titled, People like us . While watching, it dawned upon me how we tend to run away from things when they seem to get a little complicated. Our best mechanism is holding still and then harbouring the hurt. What I most liked from the movie was never giving up this search for our true selves. If we think and believe in something that feels right to us morally, we should do it. And Family always accepts you, no matter what happens.  So there are these rules that an uncle tells his young nephew which were told to him by his now deceased father. I like the interpretation of them in the movie and definitely think they could help us cinema-goers too, outside the cinema house, in our lives. “The six rules of life. 1. Don't like something just because you think other people will like it, because they won't.  2. What you think is important isn't. What you think is unimportant is.  3. Lean into it.  4. Don't shit wh...

Sometimes I feel like a lamb. Mostly, I try to be a lioness! This is so strange that we keep up pretences to convince ourselves and maybe, others too, that EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT! But is it? What is it that makes us become these different individuals than who we really are? Because we are all searching ourselves in this big crowd of a world. A lot has happened in the past few weeks. I think I have just fallen in love with who I am as a person. Do I sound narcissistic? I mean, there are times when we don't like ourselves. I was probably dwelling on the same feelings. I no longer do. The events that changed this thinking are fairly normal, everything that happens with a regular person. I met new people because of work, got out of my shell, realised the love that lies outside in the world and here I am, all new and fresh as a dew! It's wonderful, like an elixir that's working on me right now. Good people always bring the best in us! I also saw a movie I had been told abou...

Something that I started a few days ago, well, actually more than a month ago, it no longer makes me happy. My interest has not totally subsided but I can't find the longing for it in the same intensity when I first started. And who can I put the blame for this? Me, of course, no one else. I don't feel like my former self any more. I don't wish to dwell in too much misery either but the drive to get things done and put my energies into it is increasingly missing. I feel like I am losing a substantial part of my persona which controls me and eggs me to do things. Not just do things, but be alive and active. That go-getter attitude is missing. And it is me alone who realises this, because for others my positive spirits are visible and even an inspiration but my inner me knows what is wrong. It's absurd at times when this realisation sets in that perhaps I am troubling myself unnecessarily, that it's all in my mind except it is not. What is happiness after all? I...

क्या हुआ जो युग हमारे आगमन पर मौन? सूर्य की पहली किरण पहचानता है कौन? अर्थ कल लेंगे हमारे आज के संकेत।  #दुष्यन्तकुमार आज मुझे खामोशी की आवाज़ सुननी थी। मगर कही सुनाई नहीं दी। रोजमर्रा की जिंदगी में इतने सारे हादसे होते रहते है की उनका महत्व कम हो गया है। उन्हें बार बार दोहराने का कोई फायदा ही नहीं। पहले किसी दोस्त को मन की दुविधा कितनी आसानी से बता दिया करती थी मैं, आज उसी दोस्त को मेरी बातों का बोझ न लगे इसी विवंचना के कारण मैं खामोश हो जाती हूँ। कितनी अजीब बात है की हम में से कई लोगों को एहसास तक नहीं होता जिंदगी की इस टेढ़ी-मेढ़ी झंझटों का और यदि एहसास हो भी जायें तो उसमें से बाहर कैसे निकले ये एक नयी पहेली सामने आ खड़ी उठती है। कुछ साल पहले तक मुझे खुदसे बहुत शिकायत होती थी की मेरी जिंदगी किसी और की तरह क्यों नहीं है। जैसे मैं किसी और को अपने नजर से देखती थी तो उनकी जिंदगी मुझे बड़ी परिपूर्ण लगती थी और खुदकी बहुत कष्टप्राय। यह एहसास श्री. मुन्शी प्रेमचंदजी की कहानियाँ पढ़कर द्विगुणित हो जाता था। फिर धीरे- धीरे बात ऐसी समझ आयीं की ना ही किसी और के सुख से हमें अपने दुखों का क...

I got caught up and obsessed with sculptural edifices for the entire day yesterday. Somehow a dream from Jhumpa Lahiri's An Unaccustomed Earth made me think of winding, narrow brick lanes and stone sculptures set on pedestals, looking over pedestrians and tourists walking in their slow pace. I ended up browsing pinterest and creating a sculpture board there, pinning and collecting more than 150 sculpture images in about two hours. Was it worth spending two hours on looking at pictures? I definitely think yes. All sorts of stories and theories accumulated in my mind while staring at each one of them. I saw the classical sculptures by Michaelangelo, Bernini, in ancient Greek and Hellenistic styles, by Auguste Rodin as also a lot of garden sculptures and with experimental material usage like hairpins, plastic, masking tape, brown paper. It amazed me and filled me with an acute curiosity to know of what went through the sculptor's mind when he embarked on creating one of his cre...

So March is about to end in three days. I have written a blog post every day in March, consistently. And I am so happy and proud to have stuck to my resolve of writing daily here. It is wonderful to have thought of so many things daily and have the opportunity of sharing them here. Writing without any inhibitions. Of course, this has made me realise how difficult it is to continue something every single day without pulling any stops on the way. It's not easy to write daily. You know, open the computer, think of words to come out on subjects that vary from feminism, poetry to childhood memories. It does help that these happen to be my favourite things, my areas of interest and so I can speak, write and also read about them tirelessly. It takes even less time to develop an idea into the core of issues to fully fathom what it really means to me. The effects of everything that I have been living daily through reading, seeing things the way they are and choosing to delve into them...

And the storm rages on! There is a big one inside me, right now. I don't quite know how to contain it. It's a very confusing thought to ponder upon because everything is so hazy and blurry and I can't see clear through anything. I have always had a strong clarity of thought since I know how to express and articulate the happenings in my life. But I just don't feel so confident or self-assured about my strong convictions these days. It's like a bizarre dream I am in, only I can't see what it ends in and where it leads me ahead. I have always, always had a very clear journey chartered in front of me, I have visualised the paths that lead me to my goals. I have been headstrong about having a desire, a dream and a vision and the fiercest of beliefs that I am going to make this all come true. Down these years, sometimes my focus has loosened its hold upon the dreams and the passion too, so I feel haywire now. I am constantly looking for inspiration from outside...

‘The only way to get rid of temptation,’ Oscar Wilde wrote in The Picture of Dorian Gray , ‘is to yield to it.’ I am yet to experience this personally. The temptation to keep buying books when I enter book stores doesn't end even after buying more than I can carry back home. The temptation to eat sweets even though I have had more than my share is difficult to get rid off merely by yielding to it. The temptation of spending time  with my beloved ones  without watching the clock ceases to come to reality. Good things end so early. But then, we need these restrictions. We really do. Our fickle minds need some discipline. It was Ben Franklin who wrote in his Autobiography - ‘I wish’d to live without committing any fault at any time; and to conquer all that either natural inclination, custom, or company might lead me into.’ The virtues he listed were temperance, silence, order, resolution, frugality, industry, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness,  tranquil...

एखादया सुंदर संध्याकाळी आपल्या जिवलग मैत्रिणीला भेटावं आणि सांगीतिक मैफिलीत रममाण होऊन निघावं आणि त्या आठवणींना सुंदर दुजोरा देत परत एकत्र घरी जाणं, यात अवर्णनीय आनंद आहे. मी तो कालच अनुभवला. मोकळ्या आकाशाखाली गारवा असलेल्या भव्य मैदानावर स्टेज समोर बसून शास्त्रीय नृत्याची मेजवानी आणि तितकंच उस्फुर्त असं वातावरण फारच छान अनुभूती देऊन गेला. सुरुवात शाळकरी मुलींच्या अतिशय लयबद्ध लेझीम नृत्याने झाली. आम्हा दोघींच्या आनंदाला पारावार उरला नाही. त्यातच ओळखीचे असे वाटणारे बरेच चेहरे डोळ्यासमोरून तरळून गेले. अवतीभवती असणारा लोकांचा सळसळता उत्साह आमच्यात देखील परावर्तित होत होता. ते तीन तास खूप आनंददायी क्षण देऊन गेले. मैत्रिणीला बऱ्याच दिवसात भेटले नव्हते. ती भेट झाली आणि पुस्तकांवर मनसोक्त चर्चा केली. रोजच्या धावपळीच्या आयुष्यात कितीतरी गोष्टी राहून जातात. आम्ही एकमेकींना कितीही व्यस्त असलो तरी आठवणीने आवडलेलं शेअर करतो. कधीतरी बोलणं होत नाही, पण ती नाळ घट्ट जोडलेली असल्यामुळे विशेष असा काही आमच्या वागण्या- बोलण्यात फरक पडत नाहीच. हीच तर जीवच्च - कंठच्च मैत्रीची खूण. अशा कित्येक ओळखींना...