The Rebelle blog

I started reading The Outsider by Albert Camus last night after a not-so-great reading week. It dawned upon me as I started going further in the book that this was about a man, a young bloke who is seemingly unambitious about his life. I instantly wanted to shut the book and stack it away from my reach. While we all know that Camus's writing is depressing as hell, this book particularly came as a surprise to me. The young man who perhaps mirrors a life most of the people live, subconsciously, mostly to just fill their stomachs, work the grind of eat, sleep, earn money, raise families and then die, here this young man doesn't seem to have a purpose in living. He works at a small office, is unresponsive to work in the manner that when his boss asks him about shifting to and working in Paris to head operations of their office, he declines the opportunity. The woman who he is friends with asks him if he'll marry her and he replies saying if she wants marriage he'll marry...

......Books, quotes, poetry, words, images, music, conversations, people, laughter, sorrow, belonging-- things that I discover fresh from my memories. Umberto Eco makes me want to dwell into the many confines of events that now lay bundled together in my brain. Sometimes, rain does this- invokes a melancholy of people and bygone events. Music also makes me wander into the deep recesses of my dreams and nostalgia stored away. I remember a time when I thought travel was the ultimate way of getting away from stress and the mundane chaos of everyday life. But even this illusion broke its wings quickly. I realised and understood that travel couldn't substitute for the longing I felt in my heart for things unknown. It was just another route on the way to discovering ourselves, a means to say. Sometimes after reading auto-biographies I fall in awe of all these greats who could remember great details from their early lives or perhaps, they had made notes of it. What an absurd thought...

I missed a dear friend's Bridal Shower. Something that me and a few other friends were planning since a month. Uncertainty is such a game twister. When we are so excited about something, and looking forward to it, and this disappointment creeps in. It has happened with me quite a many times. When it happened in childhood, I would sulk and forget about it. Now when it happens, I go back in time, think about the preparations, excitement, my happy state of mind and the sulk returns and never goes for a long time. Usually it reflects on the family. I blame them if they are responsible or I do torture my own self constantly thinking about what an ungrateful friend I am. I must say, it spirals me into a near depression state and its the worst feeling ever to let down people you love. This time, a lot of things happened in succession. First, my phone gave up, then I had some health (ENT + Dental) issues, which surprised and terrified me. And, it just makes me feel so guilty evermore ...

I am scared of Death. Of losing my loved ones. And no matter how many articles I read about how it's the norm of human life and such, I can't shrug off the thoughts on death. The very first realisation or my encounter with death was witnessing my Great-grandmother's funeral. I was five then. I remember till this day, very clearly in my head and can see in front of my eyes her shrunken body on the floor decorated with flowers. Years later when I was nine and read an Amar Chitra Katha series book on Dr. B R Ambedkar, did I know what a funeral procession was and how big! The next gruesome account happened while reading Oliver Twist when I was eleven and I couldn't bear imagining Agnes dying in the old courthouse and images of Nancy bludgeoned to death. It all seemed so cruel and utterly disturbing. The very first thought of losing a beloved was when I was quite grown up. I was fifteen and had just witnessed the worst fight among my parents and I told them bitterly that th...

How strange is it to exchange phone numbers with people we know we are never going to talk/meet again! We live such complicated lives that even simple gestures sometimes confuse us. I spend a lot of time thinking about such events afterwards and often come up with 'Oh-I-should-have-said/thought-this' laments. While attending a lecture today evening on a Buddhist scholar and philosopher with connections with Chinese culture, I met someone who is interestingly a Law student and quite aware about urban governance issues. We shared some views on Bureaucracy, City Planning and Civil Services which are hot topics these days. It is almost amusing when strangers make assumptions about our lives which may/may not be true yet they entertain us in that moment. I've had so many memorable conversations with strangers I've met at public meetings/events, and ended up not keeping acquaintances with them. Do they regret it as much as I do now? I've seen that my memory works sha...

A guy, whom I had not known for long but now is a friend, once said to me, "I want to be like you!" When I heard him say that, I was a little surprised, and maybe out of sheer amusement over his statement, could not react or I did not ask him why he wanted to be like me? Isn't it funny, how we constantly think of approvals or opinions from people, and even mull over what they think and say about us! I think of my school friend whom I got in touch with after 10 years, and thought will always now stay in touch, but surprisingly and sadly, that did not happen. We were very enthusiastic about knowing each other and filling the long 10 year gap, so we were very close for 4 years which also happened to coincide with our graduation. And, once we were out of college, we also were out of each other's lives. How much I miss our talks, the pondering over social issues, and the common high enthusiasm we shared over so many things! Initially, I was so angry and could never und...