The Rebelle blog

It's a blur since a few days, once again. I am home!  There have been good things and bad, and events that surprised me out of nowhere. I hadn't anticipated knowing and learning so much in the past few days of being back here. Mostly, the realization of being so conversant with my thoughts again has changed how I feel here. All it takes is a slow Sunday to reflect upon everything that's happening.  More than a week ago, time seemed to loom ahead in an expansive quantity. Now that I am writing here, I realise how much of it I have squandered. We always ponder and regret but never enjoy when we are present in the moment. Old habits die hard. As Simone De Beauvoir once wrote:  I'm not tragic these days, I don't weep, but I feel alone, bewildered, far from you, far from everything — nothing has any meaning. I feel this departure from my old self. I am self-reminiscing the old times and me in it but would not like to continue doing so. Yet, I think about it constantly si...

I watched a very insightful movie yesterday titled, People like us . While watching, it dawned upon me how we tend to run away from things when they seem to get a little complicated. Our best mechanism is holding still and then harbouring the hurt. What I most liked from the movie was never giving up this search for our true selves. If we think and believe in something that feels right to us morally, we should do it. And Family always accepts you, no matter what happens.  So there are these rules that an uncle tells his young nephew which were told to him by his now deceased father. I like the interpretation of them in the movie and definitely think they could help us cinema-goers too, outside the cinema house, in our lives. “The six rules of life. 1. Don't like something just because you think other people will like it, because they won't.  2. What you think is important isn't. What you think is unimportant is.  3. Lean into it.  4. Don't shit wh...

You know what distracted minds do? I will tell you. They pay bills twice like I did. I am so off my element that I have been paying electricity bills twice a month and this is not just the first time. I have done it at least twice before. Today was a jolt though. Why is this happening to me? Everything feels so disarrayed and disturbed that I dare not nail another coffin as it is with my current state of mind. A very sympathetic friend has unusual kind words for me. He says, "Not everyone and everything is for everyone. Different keys fit different locks." Isn't that an amazing thing to say to somebody who is wrecked severely or so they think themselves to be? My friend also said that life will take care of us, one way or the other. Don't I like his optimism!  I know things will eventually get better but my helplessness over the situation is constantly pushing me over the edge and dangerously making me sway to its unpredictability. I know this is not going to la...

I just got some news about something I was eagerly awaiting for since the past few months. I am supposed to be happy but I am not. Clearly the focus and attention from the said news has lost its value for me. Isn't is quite common to find that something we long for loses its prospects after sometime? Especially if these prospects are regarding employment. Career shift. I can't quite fully fathom in what terms this move will reward my future. Will it tie me to a stagnant post or will it truly let some practical issues be sorted out and declutter the existing chaos? I wish I had an idea about everything that happens the way it does. Right now, my brain is in a frenzy. There are times when I wish I had a more diplomatic bone in my body so that I could not let everything get by so easily around me. Once we get comfortable about a position, chances are we rarely lead ourselves to experiment and step up further. It's like the classic life move for women; study, graduate with go...

Yes, amidst every single manageable piece of news published in our world is the left out unmanageable piece that did not become the ink in print. Why do we project our unhappiness unto others? There are some questions that make their way into my head quite often. One of the many such is finding ways to rediscovering my potential and being content to the point of happy. I know there are a thousand theories about how being content is the real happiness and that happiness is only real when shared, which I also hugely believe in but at times my cynical side refuses to focus upon. So how did we really learn to manage things? Is this one of those vague terms that haunts people after a certain age? Most importantly, has age got anything to do with the frequent occurrence of such questions? I hope not. Just last week, while being on a site visit, I was supposed to climb a very steep stairway that led to the occupied terrace portion of a skyscraper. My initial first few seconds reaction w...

I wish there were a way to deal with uncertainty. I know I have reiterated about it a thousand times here, but I haven't exactly figured out a way to deal with it effectively and steadily. All that uncertainty does to me is spirals me into an endless abyss of self-doubt and negativity about my capabilities. Why does this happen so often, is beyond my understanding?! These self-inflicted judgements aren't helping one bit to help me come out of this misery. Worse that happens is I get deviated and disturbed from my path of work. I must find an effective and long-term solution for this problem post in my life. No matter however much I am trying, it sometimes feels that my efforts are way too less and half-hearted. I still have the fear of failure but it doesn't stem from lacking confidence or less preparation; it's more about letting myself and the people who have supreme faith in me down. This has made me so anti-social as well. Of course, I can't go back in time an...

The house feels cold. Bereft of the familiar I sit on the chair, waiting... Wanting to feel the surge of creativity but, everything is a blank canvas. My head hurts even more than the heart aches at this loss of opportunities of things gone by grudgingly, some that make me repent endlessly. The moaning the anger that spits in my throat unable to find a voice. Wrong choices haunt so long, so far the wait turns the dead clock hands into a vintage archive waiting to be discovered by another dreamer and jughead.

The shadows engulf me on all sides while I stand in the blazing hot sun looking for some respite from the tireless walking I had been doing all afternoon. I found a large canopy of the Mast tree drooping towards the roadside over the half-broken compound where it stood tall. I always feel that trees have a lot of self-pride for the way they stand tall and long on their ground and a drooping tree is merely an aged soul. Why I am writing this is because of the solace I felt in that intense heat in the shaded enclaves. While walking I was thinking of the story I had been working on for a competition organised by a daily newspaper. As I almost struggled with piecing the sequence of events in my story mentally, I became aware of the surroundings I walked past. The vivid blue mosaic tiles of a nearby recreation centre caught my attention and instantly lifted my spirits. Some colours carry an intense mood changing character like fuchsia, blue, yellow, orange which brighten and uplift a spac...