The Rebelle blog

हळूहळू मनावरचा ताण सैल झाला. उन्हात बसले, हसले, काही जुन्या गोष्टी आठवल्या. क्षणात सकाळपासून दाटून आलेलं मळभ दूर झालं. आधी छातीत धडधडलं, हात थरथरले, मग काहीतरी माझ्या आत निवळलं. आपल्या मनाला सतत एखाद्या टॉनिकची गरज असते. ते टॉनिक मी बऱ्याच दिवसांत प्यायले नव्हते म्हणून हा सगळा उहापोह. शब्दांमध्ये काय विलक्षण सामर्थ्य असतं! माझ्या मनाला उभारी देणारे, त्याला मोकळं करणाऱ्या मैत्रिणी भेटल्या. क्षणात किती बदल झाले. माझ्या खांद्यांवर एक अनामिक ओझं मी वाहत होते, ते हलकं होत गेलं. आपला आनंद, मनःशांती आपण स्वतः शोधावी लागते. विनाकारण विचारांचं ओझं आपण घेऊन फिरत राहतो.  ऊन जसजसं वाढत गेलं, तसे मनातले दुःख वितळत गेले. आपल्या अवतीभवती किती सुंदर जग आहे. आपण सगळं विसरून केवळ स्वतः मध्ये रममाण होत जातो आणि मग त्या सातत्याचा देखील कंटाळा येत राहतो. नवीन काहीतरी करण्याची उर्मी विरून जाते. जसा आनंद शोधता यायला हवा, तशीच स्वयं- प्रेरणा देखील आपण जागृत करायला हवी. फार गुरफुटून गेलोय आपण एकाच ध्यासाच्या मागे. सगळे करतात, पूर्ण जग तसंच चाललंय म्हणून त्यांच्यासारखे होण्याचा आणि करण्याचा अट्टहास आत...

I wish there were a way to deal with uncertainty. I know I have reiterated about it a thousand times here, but I haven't exactly figured out a way to deal with it effectively and steadily. All that uncertainty does to me is spirals me into an endless abyss of self-doubt and negativity about my capabilities. Why does this happen so often, is beyond my understanding?! These self-inflicted judgements aren't helping one bit to help me come out of this misery. Worse that happens is I get deviated and disturbed from my path of work. I must find an effective and long-term solution for this problem post in my life. No matter however much I am trying, it sometimes feels that my efforts are way too less and half-hearted. I still have the fear of failure but it doesn't stem from lacking confidence or less preparation; it's more about letting myself and the people who have supreme faith in me down. This has made me so anti-social as well. Of course, I can't go back in time an...

And the storm rages on! There is a big one inside me, right now. I don't quite know how to contain it. It's a very confusing thought to ponder upon because everything is so hazy and blurry and I can't see clear through anything. I have always had a strong clarity of thought since I know how to express and articulate the happenings in my life. But I just don't feel so confident or self-assured about my strong convictions these days. It's like a bizarre dream I am in, only I can't see what it ends in and where it leads me ahead. I have always, always had a very clear journey chartered in front of me, I have visualised the paths that lead me to my goals. I have been headstrong about having a desire, a dream and a vision and the fiercest of beliefs that I am going to make this all come true. Down these years, sometimes my focus has loosened its hold upon the dreams and the passion too, so I feel haywire now. I am constantly looking for inspiration from outside...

I am inspired to write this post after reading a fellow blogger and someone I look up to. Thank you, Mandy. Yesterday, I was talking to a friend since it was his birthday. We got chatting about the current new things in our lives. When I mentioned that I am taking some academic courses apart from my Civil Services studies, he discouraged me saying I should focus on some goal. An only goal where I would be the best. I tried reasoning and telling him how these courses are shaping my understanding as a person, someone who is into Sociology and the likes but I failed miserably. I had to listen to a lot of negative and discouraging conversation. Dejected but also in a way feeling that not many people understand the importance of studying various fields, I hung up. And today, I read  Mandy's blogpost  about using goals as tools. She is such an inspiration to me. I always feel that having too many goals can be a distraction but I also strongly believe that these too many go...