The Rebelle blog

Over time, things change to a great extent. We change too. There's no set definitions or parameters that pinpoint to these changes. We keep going through the fundamental changes in different time phases. In what ways, are we ready to experience these shifts in our inherent behavioral patterns? Can we truly focus on our natural inhibitions? I feel at such a loss of my trusting instincts that see me giving people a fair chance. Of course, the world doesn't just operate only in shades of black & white. There's the grey matter largely interspersed in between tearing through our best judging abilities. Gosh, I feel like such an idiot! Here I am venting out my disappointment and really seeking what? An acknowledgement of what happened in the many years to come? Perhaps, I will forget about it then and I dearly hope I do.  What do I do? Pull up my socks and pretend that nothing happened? Or, go through being sulky and sullen through this terrible ordeal and keep that facade po...

It's been a while to have engaged with my thoughts here. The humdrum of life and tapping keys here finally comes together again today on a Saturday. As I kept searching for a journal to pen down my thoughts, a look at the calendar took me back in time. I went through a meeting with my friends after a long year since the pandemic forced us down to be isolated. And then, last night I had a rather surreal dream where I met one of my oldest friends since college and it was such an exuberant meet where she appeared out of sight somehow. Then, came another friend that I just don't get to talk to anymore. It's strange how my morning turned out to reminisce about them and then I read some beautiful verses on pale pink flowers dashing through my screen.  This summer is making me feel the serenity of time. The heat is almost unbearable but there's art and poetry to engulf with and I am leaving no stone unturned to get together my senses in enjoying these moments. Text conversatio...

Dylan Thomas wrote this and I am merely reiterating his words. How difficult it has become to be gentle! Or must I put it this way, how difficult is it to be gentle? I write here thinking about how cruelty often marks our hold on compassion. I feel too terrible about unleashing my fury on an innocent person, somebody I care for and would not like to put down with meanness. I wish I could just turn skip that moment in time and then behave calmly as I usually do. I cannot bear this guilt. How many times have I acted like this? The more I think of it, the more it kills me. I ought to reprimand myself. Everyone is trying their best. We cannot fight our battles with someone else just because we are not done with fighting with ourselves. It indeed is very exasperating to carry such a burden in our hearts when we could be doing so much more with a clean conscience. The more I write here, calm washes ashore all over me. This has been a lesson. Sometimes in my overstretched reverie, I see...

My exams begin in about thirty days and this wait is terrifying. As the day approaches closer, my heart starts beating faster in anticipation of my performance. It should be better than the last. All this studying and reading and almost breaking my back over late night writing has to yield good results. My confidence wobbles on some days not because I am afraid but because I am terribly nervous of myself. Even as I am writing this, I feel butterflies in my stomach. A good friend once told me that a little nervousness is good. It ensures that we remain alert and not be too confident of everything. Not sure if it's a good thing to be both nervous and confident at the same time, I would rather be confident. This newness is scary. There are new feelings every time I begin something new and different, oblivious of what it shall lead to. I suppose it happens with everyone. We are all cut from the same cloth. I keep telling myself that every new challenge is to be accepted with a knight...

Just when I think happiness is here to stay, something unpleasant happens. Shit happens. Not even the Buddha could help peace to extend its stay in my abode. Anger is very dangerous. But I am so disappointed, so heart broken. How pathetic that just today I was reading Russell quote- Man has the springs of action within him for he is born with certain tendencies to act. External circumstances do not induce activity. They merely re-direct it. Who would've thought? I am reminded of those days when this instability and uncertainty instilled fear in me. It shattered my belief and trust at an age when perhaps I could not fully apprehend the anger and the hurt and the reasons behind them. It's a wonder that I could transport back to those days of sorrow and feel remorseful at my inability to help calm the storm. Children are very sensitive to violence and domestic squabbles especially if they see that their happy abode is actually a can of worms, waiting to come out. It's...

My first computer was in 1998 and I remember being excited, curious and a bit nervous about handling it. Dad showed me how to switch it on and off and the first application I ever worked on was MS Paint. My first drawing was a house or an attempt of drawing a house, that is. The neighbourhood uncle came and saw me painting on the computer. He stood next to me and was surprised at my Dad letting me use the new machine, his words. It was wonderful. I would come home from school and use the computer, mostly paint. One of the themes that played while the computer started was "Can't fight the moonlight" sung by LeAnn Rimes from the movie, "Coyote Ugly". I was very amused and fascinated by the starting lines of the song. To a child, new things bring lot of joy. My Dad taught me using Word, Power point and it was a great source of entertainment to explore and make new slides in PP. Internet was not yet available back then at my place. But I was too young to use i...

There is so much chaos in and around our lives. Everywhere one looks at, there is noise, outrage, unhappiness, distress and uncertainty. When did this happen? We have become such slaves to lifestyles that chaos has become an essential part of us. Don't we all long for some solitude? That ME time, away from people and places increasingly! There are retreats now customised solely to help us achieve this inner peace and calm that we have been searching for from the vagaries of our busy lives. Nature has become a friend suddenly. So many people go on weekend trails and hikes on mountains, which is absolutely great. It also tests our physical fitness while really getting us acquainted newly with the many facets of nature. We miss out on so many things during the daily chaos. Even children who were thought to live stress-free lives for generations are now found to suffer from depression and anxiety. This is becoming worrisome. In our longing for better lifestyles and living conditi...

During my childhood, exams didn't seem to make much of a difference. Now they do. Now each exam is a survival point. Firstly, the pressure of getting past through preliminary exams, then the main exams and the last interview part. I admit, I haven't dreaded exams as much as I did during Architecture school. It was horrible back then. April and May felt like the longest months. The juries were terrible. All of them. Always. Now, one reason could be because I deterred the evaluation system and the other was, the jurors never seemed to like the designs. No matter how good the concept or the rendering or the technical details like including ramps throughout the building spaces. I used to be really miffed with the jury members because it seemed pointless that they would only always appreciate great scale models and not the design. Of course, there are exceptions. I really admire my first year Architecture Design teacher who looked beyond presentation and into the actual designing d...

I fail to understand why people get angry so often and so quickly? And, why do they scream at the top of their lungs? Do they not realize, they are storing all that hatred in themselves and by screaming at others, it not only affects the other person but themselves most? It disturbs me to a great deal if my inner peace is busted, say early morning, while I am boarding a train and some woman randomly insults me and pulls off a meany comment and keeps on going...or, my younger sibling starts throwing a tantrum if she cannot find her study books (which she was studying from the previous night), or her stack of project papers or even her clothes! Most disgusting is when she starts arguing in loud tones with her mother. At times like these, if I am present in the room where such loud aggression is seen, I try to be calm; or leave the room; or mostly just try to ignore the ongoing hullabaloo. I remember once visiting a family member and as soon as I entered their house, the teen daughte...