The Rebelle blog

Here I am, sitting by my window, basking in the late afternoon sunlight. My books are blinded by the light, throwing back the rays on their glossy covers, my neck feels baked but so good and I clunk my fingers feverishly on the keyboard hoping to put everything from my mind onto this screen. I went to the sea last night with my friend. We sat there for an hour, talking to our heart's content by the chilly sea breeze wishing there were more nights like these, more leisurely meets by the sea. The night didn't seem daunting, nor did the presence of the many love-stuck privacy seeking couples facing the sea. Something about waves is charming during the day but more resigned at night times. We spoke of love's lost chances, the ones that never came, the ones that could come and the ones we fear to embrace. It's always a wonderful feeling meeting this girl who has and I keep telling her this, a very understated elegance about her. Grace is not just personified by physical be...

I just got some news about something I was eagerly awaiting for since the past few months. I am supposed to be happy but I am not. Clearly the focus and attention from the said news has lost its value for me. Isn't is quite common to find that something we long for loses its prospects after sometime? Especially if these prospects are regarding employment. Career shift. I can't quite fully fathom in what terms this move will reward my future. Will it tie me to a stagnant post or will it truly let some practical issues be sorted out and declutter the existing chaos? I wish I had an idea about everything that happens the way it does. Right now, my brain is in a frenzy. There are times when I wish I had a more diplomatic bone in my body so that I could not let everything get by so easily around me. Once we get comfortable about a position, chances are we rarely lead ourselves to experiment and step up further. It's like the classic life move for women; study, graduate with go...

क्या हुआ जो युग हमारे आगमन पर मौन? सूर्य की पहली किरण पहचानता है कौन? अर्थ कल लेंगे हमारे आज के संकेत।  #दुष्यन्तकुमार आज मुझे खामोशी की आवाज़ सुननी थी। मगर कही सुनाई नहीं दी। रोजमर्रा की जिंदगी में इतने सारे हादसे होते रहते है की उनका महत्व कम हो गया है। उन्हें बार बार दोहराने का कोई फायदा ही नहीं। पहले किसी दोस्त को मन की दुविधा कितनी आसानी से बता दिया करती थी मैं, आज उसी दोस्त को मेरी बातों का बोझ न लगे इसी विवंचना के कारण मैं खामोश हो जाती हूँ। कितनी अजीब बात है की हम में से कई लोगों को एहसास तक नहीं होता जिंदगी की इस टेढ़ी-मेढ़ी झंझटों का और यदि एहसास हो भी जायें तो उसमें से बाहर कैसे निकले ये एक नयी पहेली सामने आ खड़ी उठती है। कुछ साल पहले तक मुझे खुदसे बहुत शिकायत होती थी की मेरी जिंदगी किसी और की तरह क्यों नहीं है। जैसे मैं किसी और को अपने नजर से देखती थी तो उनकी जिंदगी मुझे बड़ी परिपूर्ण लगती थी और खुदकी बहुत कष्टप्राय। यह एहसास श्री. मुन्शी प्रेमचंदजी की कहानियाँ पढ़कर द्विगुणित हो जाता था। फिर धीरे- धीरे बात ऐसी समझ आयीं की ना ही किसी और के सुख से हमें अपने दुखों का क...

I just came back from meeting a friend who is home on a holiday. I was excited about meeting her because she only flies down home once a year and her stay at home lasts exactly a week. So we met and got talking about life, hers and mine, and friends when I told her about my academic plans. Now I regret it. A casual interaction with her has left me feeling depressed about my choices in life. They might not have been as brilliant and bright like hers but they have been my own. I take full responsibility for my life's decisions and how I have handled different things to come so far. It hurt to feel so demeaned by someone I once looked up to. So, while walking back home I kept thinking of ways one could be happy or at least pretend to be to avoid some embarrassment in public or with friends and family. Since I am no Mr. Bean, this post does not display any humour and perhaps the seriousness might not get down well with everyone reading the post. I go ahead with these TEN WAYS ...

I am inspired to write this post after reading a fellow blogger and someone I look up to. Thank you, Mandy. Yesterday, I was talking to a friend since it was his birthday. We got chatting about the current new things in our lives. When I mentioned that I am taking some academic courses apart from my Civil Services studies, he discouraged me saying I should focus on some goal. An only goal where I would be the best. I tried reasoning and telling him how these courses are shaping my understanding as a person, someone who is into Sociology and the likes but I failed miserably. I had to listen to a lot of negative and discouraging conversation. Dejected but also in a way feeling that not many people understand the importance of studying various fields, I hung up. And today, I read  Mandy's blogpost  about using goals as tools. She is such an inspiration to me. I always feel that having too many goals can be a distraction but I also strongly believe that these too many go...

My brain is fried with information overload, discussions on varied topics from architecture to gender theories and my Civil Service Examination studies. I truly can't seem to handle this immense pressure. Today especially just feels so hectic and stressed. I was reading interviews of UPSC candidates and it made me realise what a great lot of hard work I've to put in. It's not easy. And, since I don't think I'm exceptionally brilliant, studying hard and with determination is the only go right now. I just feel too lost sometimes. There are distractions- yes, but these mostly seem to be the vague kind. I'm not someone to be easily influenced by material happiness or momentary pleasures of life. Yes, I do get affected a lot by failure- to perform, to fulfill expectations, to outdo myself. I'm that 'go getter' kind who also is scared of giving up midway and tends to have serious doubts about her own capabilities. But, I am also someone who never gives...