The Rebelle blog

रिमझिम गिरती बूंदो को खिड़की से देखते हुए आज सुबह की चाय का मजा  दुगुना  हो गया। Spotify पर भी गानों  की महफ़िल जमी थी और मैं ना जाने कितने बीते हुए मौसम याद कर चुकी उनको सुनते हुए। क्या रिश्ता है बारिश का हम सभी से जो हम उसे इतना रूमानी कर देते हैं, हमारी बातों में, गानों में और यादों में भी? जैसे मुझे लगता है चाय के साथ भी हम बहुत ज्यादा गुफ्तगू कर लेते है। हर मौसम चाय का स्वाद अच्छा ही लगता हैं। चाहे गर्मियों की शामें हो, या जाड़ों की सुबहें या हो किसी गरजते हुए बारिश की दोपहर। हर शहर की बारिश का नजारा और मंज़र अलग, उनसे जुडी अनगिनत यादें और उन यादों में बसते हुए लोग। राह चलते मिले हुए चेहरों की भीड़ भी बारिशों में याद रह जाती। मुंबई की धुआंदार बारिश में कई बार बंद पड़ी ट्रेन में बैठे हुए जो निराशा होती थी वह शायद ही रास्ते पर चलते हुए ना महसूस हुयी हो। मरीन ड्राइव पर समंदर की ऊँची लहरें को देख ठण्ड से कापते हुए K Rustoms के आइसक्रीम सैंडविच का मजा ही कुछ और था। बैंगलोर की बारिश भी मुझे रूहानी लगती थी बस की खिड़की से देखते हुए। वहां पर सड़क के किनारे रूककर गाड़ियों के शोर ...

I found myself in the middle of a Bandh, not a new event now for Mumbaikars. I managed to reach my workplace in time, but the empty campus was a sharp reminder of how much we have surrendered our lives to these hooligans. After spending half a day doing nothing, especially since I was back after a long week, all of us decided to head home after a while. And what a timely decision to head home since the situation escalated badly after 3pm. We adjusted ourselves in the car singing songs, at the top of our lungs just about making up lyrics and making new ones. On the way, I also got a glimpse of the architectural wonders of Navi Mumbai through a very lively commentary by our colleague. My friends, Shuchi and Sarath. welcomed me and Cynthia into their house and like they say, each house carries their spirit and I could sense it in theirs. We watched COCO, the animated flick and every good film tears me up from inside, so it happened with this as well. So invested was I that I couldn...

हळूहळू मनावरचा ताण सैल झाला. उन्हात बसले, हसले, काही जुन्या गोष्टी आठवल्या. क्षणात सकाळपासून दाटून आलेलं मळभ दूर झालं. आधी छातीत धडधडलं, हात थरथरले, मग काहीतरी माझ्या आत निवळलं. आपल्या मनाला सतत एखाद्या टॉनिकची गरज असते. ते टॉनिक मी बऱ्याच दिवसांत प्यायले नव्हते म्हणून हा सगळा उहापोह. शब्दांमध्ये काय विलक्षण सामर्थ्य असतं! माझ्या मनाला उभारी देणारे, त्याला मोकळं करणाऱ्या मैत्रिणी भेटल्या. क्षणात किती बदल झाले. माझ्या खांद्यांवर एक अनामिक ओझं मी वाहत होते, ते हलकं होत गेलं. आपला आनंद, मनःशांती आपण स्वतः शोधावी लागते. विनाकारण विचारांचं ओझं आपण घेऊन फिरत राहतो.  ऊन जसजसं वाढत गेलं, तसे मनातले दुःख वितळत गेले. आपल्या अवतीभवती किती सुंदर जग आहे. आपण सगळं विसरून केवळ स्वतः मध्ये रममाण होत जातो आणि मग त्या सातत्याचा देखील कंटाळा येत राहतो. नवीन काहीतरी करण्याची उर्मी विरून जाते. जसा आनंद शोधता यायला हवा, तशीच स्वयं- प्रेरणा देखील आपण जागृत करायला हवी. फार गुरफुटून गेलोय आपण एकाच ध्यासाच्या मागे. सगळे करतात, पूर्ण जग तसंच चाललंय म्हणून त्यांच्यासारखे होण्याचा आणि करण्याचा अट्टहास आत...

Why do Yesterdays seem better than Todays?  Just when I was pondering over this thought, I came across a British Adventurer, Tom Morgan going on a trip  Around the World flying with helium balloons .  He seemed inspired by the 2009 movie, Up  where a seventy-eight-year-old man goes on an adventure in his flying house carried by balloons. It was such a visually beautiful imagery to see those colourful balloons tied up to the house through its chimney stack lifting the house and then soaring high in the skies.  Photograph: Pixar/Sportsphoto Ltd/Allstar These two images conjured up beautiful emotions within my heart. Human lives are full of adventure and the endless possibilities of finding magic in the most bizarre situations. The various factors that bring in all this happiness and love for new are possible only when people take an initiative on their own. The treasures of this life are left hidden for us to discover and find ourselves in ...

There is this thing about reading that is unique and personal to each. It awakens feelings and thoughts that one could not have conjured while sitting idly. Although that is too much of an overstatement to be true. But whenever I share my reads on a public platform like Goodreads or Instagram where book stories are put under the hashtag of bookstagram , I feel the result is pretty much the same as sharing them with someone in person. There are so many amazing people who are bold, uninhibited and clear while speaking their mind, especially on the internet. Some of them have become such good friends of mine even though we haven't met or have no possibility of meeting in the near future. I am sounding more like the pessimist but it is true, sadly.  One can't live on books and thus is effectively proved in a book I read two days ago. It's called, The House of Paper written by Carlos Dominguez . It came as a very timely shocker and a reminder to me since I was drifting in...

Doesn't that happen with all of us? At some point in our lives, there comes a moment when everything seems to dissipate into nothingness, without any meaning and further direction. There are these mocking days and then there are good ones! And sometimes there's a delightful feeling when one thing leads to another... Today evening, I immersed in one such serendipity. It started with Ezra Pound's poem that got me and an acquaintance talking for a long hour and then I got hooked further on Homer's Illiad, Garcia Lorca's verses, Blake's Songs of Innocence and the very surprisingly lyrical Anne Bronte. I have an utterly beautiful hardback copy of Anne Bronte's Agnes Grey, and I haven't read it yet. It sits on a low shelf in my drawing room surrounded by David Copperfield and The Yearling.  Anne Bronte truly took me by surprise. One of her poems, A Reminiscence tugged at my heartstrings. She died very young, aged 29. Somehow I feel a close bond with wri...

It's close to midnight, raining, the tenants living upstairs are creating some ruckus and here I am, pondering over my disastrous cupcake kitchen adventure from the evening. My head hurts badly with a splitting pain throughout my temples and perhaps, I need to pay a visit to my ENT doctor tomorrow. Each year, at least once I suffer from these splitting headaches which are usually only warning me about my ear infections. I am a very healthy person. I seldom miss appointments or work assignments or social commitments due to sickness. But that's because I am really scared of illness and the pain that follows it. As a kid, most of my doctor visits were due to ear infections only. For the past couple of years, I have been relatively healthy and fit with no major or minor sicknesses ever, not even cold or fever that warranted a visit from me to the doctor.  Last Sunday, I was travelling through a mountain pass in my car and happened to witness a magical moonlit night that seem...

All writers are a sum of their experiences. Heard this in an independent movie I saw on a dreary rainy morning. It might be a little delusional to write about seeing the starry night before it started raining so hard that it was impossible not to curse the fat raindrops for blocking my glasses. I ate a giant scoop of cold ice-cream that cut harshly through my teeth and sent shivering down my entire body. I walked in the rain, aware of the water gushing through the streets and through my summer sandals. I don't know why I wear them usually in the rains. Something about splashing water around the ankles makes disliking the rains a little bit more acceptable. Last night, I had strange dreams about my friends who are readers. I met them in my dream while they were tying their shoelaces, ready to spring through glass doors with yellow walls. Amusing how I can recollect these little details but not the actual conversation from the dream. One of them was crying over something and I h...

What a beautiful day! I would have not imagined spending another seemingly important day of my life doing all the things I love better than today. I went to the library, picked a Kazuo Ishiguro book, my first from the author to begin on the Bard's birthday. The newspapers had well-written articles on Shakespeare's literary genius and uncovering the man he was beneath the playwright and sonneteer.  It's the love and longing we all desire from our loved ones that makes us humane. In all our capacity as individuals who are rooted with their hearts in their families, friends and the people we connect to over our lifetime. I received a beautiful letter from my faraway friend and she captured the essence of a happy day in few words and drove me to tears. Isn't this an intrinsic quality of us humans, that we heal and melt with a few kind words and deeds? It was Vincent Van Gogh who said, Nothing awakens us to the reality of life so much as a true love. And who could ...

Does it ever happen that we completely run out of words to say or things to express? I have started thinking it has happened to me this month. April is Academia time and I've had hands full of academic work- exams, assignments, deadlines. My work got the better of my desire to write everyday or regularly at least. Now, April is ending and here I am looking towards the many possibilities and events that shaped the past few days. A very interesting conversation that came up between my parents and me last night was about living according to society's will and living on individual principles. While they said, that us humans must make compromises and settle so that we fit in the society we live, my mind was churning exactly different thoughts. One part of me was saying that we ought to mix in the society we live in and other said, we ought to also live on our terms & principles. Is that too much of a chaos to deal with? Why are we so tied with a society that doesn't be...

I just came back from meeting a friend who is home on a holiday. I was excited about meeting her because she only flies down home once a year and her stay at home lasts exactly a week. So we met and got talking about life, hers and mine, and friends when I told her about my academic plans. Now I regret it. A casual interaction with her has left me feeling depressed about my choices in life. They might not have been as brilliant and bright like hers but they have been my own. I take full responsibility for my life's decisions and how I have handled different things to come so far. It hurt to feel so demeaned by someone I once looked up to. So, while walking back home I kept thinking of ways one could be happy or at least pretend to be to avoid some embarrassment in public or with friends and family. Since I am no Mr. Bean, this post does not display any humour and perhaps the seriousness might not get down well with everyone reading the post. I go ahead with these TEN WAYS ...

There is simply too much to do. Too much academic strain, too much to stress about life's not-so-good moments, too much sorrow, too much work I would like to accomplish in 24 hours than I usually get done. This 'too much' is creating a big havoc in my brain right now. I find myself in a constant dilemma to wade my way through all this seemingly messy chaos. Is chaos ever organized? As I go through another round of exams and academia, just for a tiny second a thought about whether this is all really worth crosses my mind. But it's best to shove all this unwanted negative thinking under the carpet. Some days are bad, some days are good, but in the end it all comes down to our grit and self- confidence. Yes, yes, I have been falling into a quite persistent cycle of hopelessness, self-trust and misplaced faith. It's a chakra- an endless rabbit hole where I keep tugging towards a spirit that pulls me down at ends and sometimes just lifts and soars my heart to great...

कभी सोचा ना था के यह मेरे साथ भी होगा।  पर मैं तो अक्सर बहुत कुछ सोचती नहीं और वह होते रहता हैं। जब तक उसका एहसास हो, वह बात और समा गुजर चुके होते है। क्या यह मेरी कमजोरी है या मेरा अँधा विश्वास लोगों पर, चीज़ों पर, वक़्त पर? शायद बहुत ज्यादा मासूमियत से बर्ताव करने की आदत हो चुकी है मुझे, इसलिए ऐसे जब कभी मन को ठेस पहुँचती है तो सहा नहीं जाता।  खैर, अब ये उम्र ही क्या और ये ज़िंदगी ही क्या जिसमे गिले- शिक़वे ना हो? अपने आप में रहने का कोई मकसद नहीं ना ही खुद को जलाकर रौशनी फैलाने की चाह रखने की उम्मीद रखे। दुनिया बड़ी जालिम है जनाब, कही हम यहाँ आकर अपने आप को ही ना मिटा दें। बस इतना याद रखें की ज़िंदगी बहुत छोटी है, जो गुजर गयी वह कल की बात थी। आनेवाले सूरज को अपनाओ, इतने से तो लम्हें हात लगें है हमारे। 

During my childhood, exams didn't seem to make much of a difference. Now they do. Now each exam is a survival point. Firstly, the pressure of getting past through preliminary exams, then the main exams and the last interview part. I admit, I haven't dreaded exams as much as I did during Architecture school. It was horrible back then. April and May felt like the longest months. The juries were terrible. All of them. Always. Now, one reason could be because I deterred the evaluation system and the other was, the jurors never seemed to like the designs. No matter how good the concept or the rendering or the technical details like including ramps throughout the building spaces. I used to be really miffed with the jury members because it seemed pointless that they would only always appreciate great scale models and not the design. Of course, there are exceptions. I really admire my first year Architecture Design teacher who looked beyond presentation and into the actual designing d...

Everything that's a first carry precious memories with them. I've had a lot of good firsts and many bad firsts too. Or, they weren't bad- I just couldn't acclimatise myself to those firsts. First day in a new high school was sombre. I was unsure of everything. uncertain too. Of course, the adulation that came my way because of my excellent academic record made everything seem fine. Over time, things went well. When we are younger, somehow adjustment doesn't seem to be a problem. First day in an Architecture school was also very uncertain. There was a crowd and everyone looked so hefty and tall and just so big that for a moment I felt like a school kid starting afresh. Five years down the line, every year of school then felt like an extension from the last term. Nothing changed. First day in a new city at a competitive services training center didn't bring out any emotions, except that I had a feeling of calm over it. As routine set in, the atmosphe...

April's coming to an end. So quick. On my birthday, while waiting for a dear friend's call I thought about life's bittersweet moments. The ones where I dreamt big, where I accomplished some task that my heart had written off as unachievable, when I genuinely felt happy and felt alive. After talking to my friend, I realised how our lives seem sprinkled with oddities and yet we sieve our ways through them?! What is that fuel that rockets our dreams? And, will I ever get to realize my dream? Actually, what is my biggest dream? I haven't thought about it; I only see fragments and bits of light in my mind, fluttering through pages and freshly dried ink. I smell words hanging in the air, and my eyes piece stories and ideas somewhere on an invisible canvas. Is writing deceitful? Do I write the truest things? Do I mean what I always write? Or my ideas find mere allegiance to words and they dissolve in the mind itself? What is it to be in love with life? Why am I asking so ma...

I was reading some old mails and the conversations with one of my friends cracked me up. It made me laugh heartily, reminded me of my naivety, and his kindness. We exchanged stories, poems, songs and books read/to-read lists... I reminisce about that nice time in our lives barely 6 years ago. Today, we are no longer in touch with each other.. I would like to, but I think some people really come into our lives only for a short time yet they fill our lives with such wisdom and genuine kindness; it feels like time perhaps needed to freeze itself. If I had the power to do so, I definitely would; not knowing of the future of our friendship. I think this often happens with me. I befriend someone and we share great conversations and memories which I think will last forever, but they don't. It used to pain me and also depress me knowing all the nice people I knew were leaving me one after another. But now I've grown up. I still think of all my friends who came into my life ...