The Rebelle blog

I am sitting by the window in this computer lab, at 10 in the morning. Certain things never change. We get enamored and distracted by life and its extravaganza. As I think about what to write here because I do have a lot of things to share, I am taken back to days of summer and winter holidays when the thoughts from my head would find an easy outlet here. I could hardly contain my typing speed as I juggled to put everything on this screen. Lately, especially more in this year I have begun feeling a sense of loss about a lot of things that I did casually with an ease, perhaps, it mirrors my anxiety of not doing things too well. It's a certain reminder that things happen for the best no matter how hard we try to keep things organized and sorted. I always look at things from a very wide perspective or so I believe, and yet today morning as I sit here, there's a feeling of dread which threatens to change me. Can we ever get ourselves to become what the images in our head keep proje...

And, my long absence in March here made me long for April. Because somehow as I always feel and say, April transforms the mood magically. Something beautiful turns over and brings a vitality to the season. I don't mind the heat at all. My first Murakami is from a kind fellow reader with whom I connected after reading his short story revolving a cat. I immediately sensed my friend is a Murakami fan. And thus began my Murakami reading. For years, I have postponed reading Murakami under the pretext of doing it later.  ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ So, I wrote a year ago here and left the writeup as a draft. I am back now to this post after a year and let me see how I look at what I was writing back then.  I finished a couple more books by Murakami over the past year, indulged in passionate, euphoric talks of his writing style, appreciated his witty and sardonic remarks. Listened to Norwegian Wood more than I had ever...

We need Change! We need a Revolution! We need to claim our rights! and the lists of 'needs' keeps on increasing. Could we truly be two different entities in a singularly obsessed world of irregularities? You contradict me point blank and I retaliate with equal ferocity. There's a moment in being when the world stops by for a minute and a soul strikes out. Just the two of us, we can make it try. We need more than one for stirring change.   WHAT IS CHANGE? Seeing the world bending to our whims, catering to our arrogance, bowing in front of us- it is more than this- in our understanding of falling down, bruising our egos, faltering in our steps. Learning from these comparative narratives of metamorphosis. I am surrounded by chaos. An unending whirl of noises and voices confused in their paradoxical worlds enwrapped in a neverending trail of sorrows and disappointments. I feel happy when someone else corresponds to my sense of mangled turbulence. It's all chur...

There's a LIVE timebomb ticking within all of us. Isn't it slightly infuriating to be at the helm of such anxiety and nervousness? A number of things that could make us miserable, change our cheery demeanour to a sullen state of chaos, unable to comprehend the workings of this complicated system. We are all beings in a fixed mechanism of state and individual power. We are controlled by forces we live with daily. They include our people from our families, workspace, acquainting life sphere. The set of rules bogs me down each time I look at a detached view of this being. Since I am alive in this great era of science, modernity and opportunities, why does it still seem inadequate? Like every other parent-children disagreements, I am seething with one too over the most mundane and silliest of topics. Such is life. I think it was Anais Nin who wrote that "I am a series of moods and sensations. I play a thousand roles...My real self is unknown." How I so appropriately...

It's one of those days, you know when you are feeling low and your self-esteem is at a real zero, that the universe provides hope in unexpected forms. With me, this happened in the form of postcards, not one, two or three but ELEVEN of them. My Dad bought the post on his way back home and I almost cried with joy to see them all.  What makes a random activity like Postcrossing really click with people and invest their time in sending postcards with messages to strangers all over the world? I believe, it is the necessity to claim humanity, to claim the love that is lost in the vast sea pool of hatred, discrimination and diversity. The more connected the world has become, the faster we have lost our shroud of humanity. We are increasingly being divided on the basis of race, colour, religion, economy, culture, geography and politics, of course! Our conscious collaborative is not working amidst high powered business economies and commercial profit ventures. People who come from di...

Sometimes I’m afraid I’m happy, but because I expect it to be something else, I question the experience. So now, when in doubt, she shrugged with true bravado, I’ll assume I’m happy.     ― Carrie Fisher, Postcards from the Edge. Something happened and all the happiness and positive spirits I was feeling are drained now. Sometimes my mind scares me with the dire things it thinks. I cannot give up. I don't give up easily. I mustn't now too. It helps to ponder over things that trouble us over a span of couple of hours. A few hours earlier I felt extremely dejected at my failure of attaining something I was confident I had in my kitty. Then, I started talking to myself about the futility of unnecessary freaking over the unoccurred and voila! I feel fit as a fiddle, not drained emotionally nor depressed at all. This only makes my resolve to seek the higher transformative powers of creating change within myself and embracing it too more stronger than ever. It's true th...

I was going through an emotional turmoil last night and used this blog to vent out my grief. Sometimes, well, only a few times, I wonder if my understanding of grief, misery and sorrow is the same that everyone goes through or I am severly meddling these confused emotions I can't seem to word out. Whichever way it is, I felt incredibly better after writing everything here, and I am trying to assert my mind into believing that THAT which hasn't happened yet and perhaps won't take place shan't worry me and cause me distress or unncesarry panic. I suppose I already should be alert at the use of such negative energy bubbles into my conversation here. I am throwing caution to the wind and deciding not to think about anything at all. My heart goes into a ballistic mode once I conjure too many multiple scenarios in my brain and then as if ticking on a machine, it starts weaving these elaborate sequences I deem fit only for fictional accounts. Hemingway wrote A Moveable Feast...

You know what distracted minds do? I will tell you. They pay bills twice like I did. I am so off my element that I have been paying electricity bills twice a month and this is not just the first time. I have done it at least twice before. Today was a jolt though. Why is this happening to me? Everything feels so disarrayed and disturbed that I dare not nail another coffin as it is with my current state of mind. A very sympathetic friend has unusual kind words for me. He says, "Not everyone and everything is for everyone. Different keys fit different locks." Isn't that an amazing thing to say to somebody who is wrecked severely or so they think themselves to be? My friend also said that life will take care of us, one way or the other. Don't I like his optimism!  I know things will eventually get better but my helplessness over the situation is constantly pushing me over the edge and dangerously making me sway to its unpredictability. I know this is not going to la...

Fever and cold has me stomping with a rave rage crushing my healthy and happy spirits I've been carrying for some time. A mad cold fury tears my insides trying to understand why a minor sickness drives me to the wall with such misery. I feel terrible about lugging behind deadlines, though people can be really nice about it sometimes. Melancholy and sleep engulfs me in its embrace spiralling me into an endless slumber, with vivid dreams manifesting into my fears thus projected clearly. It's a wonder that our nerves do hold us steady otherwise the chaos that would rule our psyche would destroy people. I realise how November makes me feel all responsible and accountable for the year so bygone. In good ways, nowadays I have accepted peace as a long term reign in my life. I would rather be surrounded in a clear calm mist than be pinned to unclear intentions.  Alas, we will come across events and people that shatter our peace and aggravate us to the point of feeling utterly inc...