APRIL is here!

And, my long absence in March here made me long for April. Because somehow as I always feel and say, April transforms the mood magically. Something beautiful turns over and brings a vitality to the season. I don't mind the heat at all.

My first Murakami is from a kind fellow reader with whom I connected after reading his short story revolving a cat. I immediately sensed my friend is a Murakami fan. And thus began my Murakami reading. For years, I have postponed reading Murakami under the pretext of doing it later. 

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So, I wrote a year ago here and left the writeup as a draft. I am back now to this post after a year and let me see how I look at what I was writing back then. 

I finished a couple more books by Murakami over the past year, indulged in passionate, euphoric talks of his writing style, appreciated his witty and sardonic remarks. Listened to Norwegian Wood more than I had ever done it prior to reading Murakami. 

What's new is that I feel changed as a person. This change is much more felt in the context of my reaction to people and events, over the past year. Even the people around me have changed. We have all become too impetuous, reactive and volatile in our outbursts on the tiniest of things that happen around us. I mean, events that happen within my family, at my workplace and everything else where I am proactively seeking validation for self. Until a month ago, I was greatly disturbed by the way my mind was being indecisive and I almost began to look at everyone around me suspiciously. I felt that my instincts were weakening and that I was having trust issues not just with people I knew for long but myself too. I could no longer feel in total control of my emotions; I often cried at the drop of a hat. My reading too dipped down very low, I had trouble concentrating on my work and in general, my health and humor were in deep danger of perishing. 

What has changed after a month? I don't know. I have tried to think about it, but haven't come across any clear answers. The situation still hasn't improved much, I still feel vulnerable around certain people, their negative energy still affects me but I'm trying to leave it at that. A friend sent me a note one day across the desk which read "No use worrying about things that you have no influence to change." It will take time to detach from this continuous loop of worrying that I've settled in for the past few months. The only good thing that has happened is that I have got a few friends who have turned out to be a great support system. I came to realize how much I cherish these people now. There were some lessons learned too. I was too miserable to deconstruct them positively when they happened and will take a while to let go of the memories. But, I am learning. I am regaining my strength and also cultivating a newly found acceptance for things that seemed too menial or nondescript earlier. We always push ourselves beyond our capacity only to understand later that we are inherently conditioned to berate ourselves, both in things done well and the failures. 

Even while I am writing this here, there are a hundred things that are running through my head right now but which don't necessarily find an outing. I am changing and I'm learning to accept this change positively. I am investing more in myself now- health-wise, physically and mentally as well. It helps to have positive role models who give that necessary impetus when the brain seems to reject ideas. Perhaps, this happens to a lot of people like me who are figuring out how to live life in their 30's. Maybe, the key is to take it as it comes, with all the additional baggage that situations bring with them. Accept them, observe them and let the moment pass. It's easier said, of course, than it is done. A little price to pay as we escalate in our lives. I am still hopeful of good things to come my way after all the tearjerking that I went through last year. I am still learning to handle myself emotionally. I am still waking up to the possibility of having that breakthrough moment when I realize and finally understand the purpose and meaning of my everyday contemplations. And, I am still looking for the spark that determines how well I will be doing this with the people I truly love and look forward to coexisting in harmony. Until then, with a renewed sense of hope that I shall be writing here more often, I welcome April with all its wondrous awe I've had for years!