The Rebelle blog

SO TODAY has been a very mixed productive work day. I believe I have absolutely tired my eyes out staring at the computer screen so much in 9 hours. More than that actually. Do we ever stop working by the clock? I envisaged two lines of a story throughout the day just to keep up with my energies for some creative output for the day.  I was very happy in the morning after my dance class and decided to paint something today. The morning breeze and slight drizzle on the way back home put me in high spirits. I felt charged and every atom within me bounced with endless energy. Something about witnessing the bright day and chaos on the streets had me unexpectantly cheery for my usual self. There is a madness in routine and habits. Anthony Trollope is said to have written meticulously every day. He wrote every day for three hours, 250 words in 15 minutes and 66 pages per week was his decided course for a book draft. This kind of routine is sure to produce good writing habits. I have...

मला उगाचच पटकन मनाला लावून घ्यायची सवय झालीय. फार लवकर वाईट वाटून घेते मी. यात तोटा माझाच होतो शेवटी. प्रचंड मानसिक तणाव राहतो मनावर बरेच दिवस, कधी कधी आठवडे देखील. मागच्या वर्षी तर खूप महिने प्रचंड दडपण आलं होतं मला. अभ्यासात देखील मग मन रमत नव्हतं. त्यामुळे एक फायदा असा झाला कि इथे मी ब्लॉग मात्र नियमितपणे करायला शिकले तेवढ्या अवधीत. आज घरातला पुस्तकांचा आणि वर्तमानपत्रांचा पसारा आवरताना मला बरीचशी जुनी कात्रणं सापडली. मी पार हरखून गेले सगळंच अधाशीपणे वाचण्याच्या नादात. लोकसत्ताच्या लोकरंग तसेच चतुरंग पुरवण्यांमधले अगणित लेख, टिपणं, आणि संग्रही केलेले भरमसाठ विशेष पुरवण्यांचे गठ्ठे! माझी आई नेहमीप्रमाणे मला ओरडली कि सगळं टाकून दे, गरजेपुरतच आता संग्रह आवरता घे. तेवढ्यात माझे डॅडी घरी आले आणि मी काढलेल्या मासिकांच्या गट्ठ्यांना ढूंढाळू लागले. मग काय आम्ही दोघं त्यात गर्क झालो तासभर. शेवटी हो नाही म्हणता म्हणता परत मोठा ढीग झालाच परत. मग जेवणानंतर मी मला वाचावेसे वाटणारे कात्रणं नि पुरवण्या हाताशी धरल्या आणि गुंगून गेले सगळ्यात. खरंच! आपण आयुष्यात किती गोष्टींचा संग्रह करतो. कधी आनंद...

Fever and cold has me stomping with a rave rage crushing my healthy and happy spirits I've been carrying for some time. A mad cold fury tears my insides trying to understand why a minor sickness drives me to the wall with such misery. I feel terrible about lugging behind deadlines, though people can be really nice about it sometimes. Melancholy and sleep engulfs me in its embrace spiralling me into an endless slumber, with vivid dreams manifesting into my fears thus projected clearly. It's a wonder that our nerves do hold us steady otherwise the chaos that would rule our psyche would destroy people. I realise how November makes me feel all responsible and accountable for the year so bygone. In good ways, nowadays I have accepted peace as a long term reign in my life. I would rather be surrounded in a clear calm mist than be pinned to unclear intentions.  Alas, we will come across events and people that shatter our peace and aggravate us to the point of feeling utterly inc...

Dylan Thomas wrote this and I am merely reiterating his words. How difficult it has become to be gentle! Or must I put it this way, how difficult is it to be gentle? I write here thinking about how cruelty often marks our hold on compassion. I feel too terrible about unleashing my fury on an innocent person, somebody I care for and would not like to put down with meanness. I wish I could just turn skip that moment in time and then behave calmly as I usually do. I cannot bear this guilt. How many times have I acted like this? The more I think of it, the more it kills me. I ought to reprimand myself. Everyone is trying their best. We cannot fight our battles with someone else just because we are not done with fighting with ourselves. It indeed is very exasperating to carry such a burden in our hearts when we could be doing so much more with a clean conscience. The more I write here, calm washes ashore all over me. This has been a lesson. Sometimes in my overstretched reverie, I see...

Sometimes I feel like a lamb. Mostly, I try to be a lioness! This is so strange that we keep up pretences to convince ourselves and maybe, others too, that EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT! But is it? What is it that makes us become these different individuals than who we really are? Because we are all searching ourselves in this big crowd of a world. A lot has happened in the past few weeks. I think I have just fallen in love with who I am as a person. Do I sound narcissistic? I mean, there are times when we don't like ourselves. I was probably dwelling on the same feelings. I no longer do. The events that changed this thinking are fairly normal, everything that happens with a regular person. I met new people because of work, got out of my shell, realised the love that lies outside in the world and here I am, all new and fresh as a dew! It's wonderful, like an elixir that's working on me right now. Good people always bring the best in us! I also saw a movie I had been told abou...

The shadows engulf me on all sides while I stand in the blazing hot sun looking for some respite from the tireless walking I had been doing all afternoon. I found a large canopy of the Mast tree drooping towards the roadside over the half-broken compound where it stood tall. I always feel that trees have a lot of self-pride for the way they stand tall and long on their ground and a drooping tree is merely an aged soul. Why I am writing this is because of the solace I felt in that intense heat in the shaded enclaves. While walking I was thinking of the story I had been working on for a competition organised by a daily newspaper. As I almost struggled with piecing the sequence of events in my story mentally, I became aware of the surroundings I walked past. The vivid blue mosaic tiles of a nearby recreation centre caught my attention and instantly lifted my spirits. Some colours carry an intense mood changing character like fuchsia, blue, yellow, orange which brighten and uplift a spac...

‘The only way to get rid of temptation,’ Oscar Wilde wrote in The Picture of Dorian Gray , ‘is to yield to it.’ I am yet to experience this personally. The temptation to keep buying books when I enter book stores doesn't end even after buying more than I can carry back home. The temptation to eat sweets even though I have had more than my share is difficult to get rid off merely by yielding to it. The temptation of spending time  with my beloved ones  without watching the clock ceases to come to reality. Good things end so early. But then, we need these restrictions. We really do. Our fickle minds need some discipline. It was Ben Franklin who wrote in his Autobiography - ‘I wish’d to live without committing any fault at any time; and to conquer all that either natural inclination, custom, or company might lead me into.’ The virtues he listed were temperance, silence, order, resolution, frugality, industry, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness,  tranquil...

Love words, agonize over sentences. And pay attention to the world. - Susan Sontag. Time is stronger than sorrow. - Mahashweta Devi. Two of my favourite writers teach me about love, sorrow and its gradual burial by time. How I wish life were not 'this' complicated. For every written word, there's a wrong interpretation and a big misunderstanding. Guess we earn all the sorrow and misery that love and words bring with them. If only, human mind and tongues were not twisted in such a vile way that we destroy hearts and people and take pride in doing so. Here's wishing Gabriel Garcia Marquez a very happy birthday and my deepest respects. Had it not been for reading his Colombian journalistic articles, I would have remained gravely unaware of the political and social unrest brewing there for decades. Reading Gabo's (as he was fondly called) accounts of the everyday militant brutality in Latin America in the 60's acquainted me with civil society's worst...

It's chaos all over in my head. Or wait, why do I feel the need to classify it as chaos? This never ending dimensional crisis to our personalities has put me in a fix- literally. One of my best friends from school, someone I know since I was six years old was going through such a big crisis in his life. He called me a few years ago when my number was the only one he remembered and my advice mattered to him, and I didn't respond then. How guilty do I feel now on learning that he needed my help. A simple gesture of listening to his problem on the phone could have bought him some peace. But I was adamant over something back then. We had had the biggest fight over something that in early 20's felt like it mattered a lot. Friendship is a vague term, a place holder actually. There's nothing like friendship that lasts forever, or a friendship where everything is perfect. No, nothing of this sort exists. We constantly evolve and grow out of our immaturity and keep balancing o...

I have always believed in having a healthy dialogue for resolving issues. Hence, the restlessness that has kept up with me over breaking up with a friend on some misunderstanding is hopefully about to end in a few days. We are slated to meet. I took the initiative, though I had to enlist our common friend to do that. We have such immense potential to be better beings and yet we restrict ourselves with unnecessary squabbles and ego hassles. When I was younger, I remember walking away if anybody ever quarrelled with me. I wasn't good at speaking up for myself. I thought 'less the said' was better. Now, after going through a rigorous world of architecture school and the professional world, and of course, growing up to the point as to clearing up indifferences, it's advisable always to say 'only' things that matter. Mostly, we tend to flow in the stream of past mistakes, which we have analysed a thousand times in our head. It's really beneficial to speak o...

Ever since I was a child, I heard my Dad constantly speak of moral values to me. And not just speak about them, I've seen these being practised too. Integrity and Character are two important assets that I've learned from my father. He always stressed on importance of character in a person. To him, honesty, morality, integrity, compassion are not merely words or virtues but essential components (yes, I use this word!) for all of us to live with in this world. So today something happened that shattered my belief in honesty of character. I kept thinking about how idiotic people like me exist in this world who still trust people with all their heart. We mustn't, clearly. But then it also made me think about kindness and the loyalty that still exists. So why are there such contrasting feelings being played by people? What joy do certain people get from breaking someone's trust? My anger subsided relatively easily when I realized that we cannot take responsibility for peop...

Isn't it an absolute delight when our deeds or thoughts touch or inspire people? I love this feeling. It's a very small achievement on our part as human beings. To bring some happiness in someone's life without changing our attitude, is in itself an act of kindness. Since we've become so self-centered and obsessed with our own individual lives, such little things do bring happiness. I feel immensely good within my heart to hear someone being touched by my small act. One quote that really got my attention today was this- "I think one of the greatest feelings in the world is when someone openly tells you how much you mean to them. Stuff like that is so rare."  This just took me back into so many memories where when I was told this I didn't like it because I didn't trust the people saying that to me. How naive and foolish I was! I loathed their affection with such distrust. I was learning and I would like to believe I learn from my past mistakes. So...

I always thought social networking sites don't really show the real faces of people. But as it turns out, they do. I was wrong in my opinion. I have had the good fortune of knowing the TRUE face of friends and their friends who became mine, after a while. It's truly a wonderful world. The more we try to forgive people, the more vile they seem to be in reality. And, isn't it really a good thing that they are exposed, the earlier, the better for us! Trust and Kindness are two good traits we must not seemingly waste on everyone, even the one's we think are close to us. I know this thought sounds unruly and selfish, but believe me, people are always moving around in masks. They have masked their real faces, and personalities, so we unfortunately fall for the sugary, sweet demeanor which really is just a ply on their part. Seriously, just chuck all those self-help books that tell us all the time to be kind, good-natured, trusting souls. Apparently, in this age and day,...

Has it ever happened with anyone else that we meet some person, get charmed by their talk and later find out about the various interesting things they've done in their life? I recently got to meet one such person. She works with National Geographic Traveller, India magazine. We hit it off instantly over books, the 90's, social structure and so many varied topics. In fact, we are members of the same library. I felt so good to meet such a wonderful person after a long time. That doesn't mean, I don't meet nice/good people. I do. It's just that sometimes I take so much time in knowing a person that it feels like I like solitude around me, which is not true. I am a people person. Okay, maybe not an out-going people person, but I love meeting people who initiate and carry great conversation that more or less matches my enthusiasm. I rarely open up before strangers. Some strangers just don't seem like one. Talking to them makes us feel like we've known them for ...

Years ago, when I first read 'A Tale of Two Cities' and last week when I re-read it, I realized this one feeling I had even then that no matter who you trust, however trustworthy and kind they seem, you'll end up getting betrayed and hurt. And, its very true even today. Human nature just hasn't evolved over time. These characteristics of Anger, Jealousy, Hatred are still pretty much alive and kicking us with their ugly heads more than ever. Dickens knew what he was writing. Us, humans- we've set up boundaries for everyone, even ourselves. We won't cross them even when we know we are wrong, or mistaken or that someone is in distress because of us. We love massaging our petty mindsets about our greatness and our potential when the only thing that should really matter is being a better human being. A better person to our own selves and to others. That would do a big service to the entire mankind than anything ever done. Of course, we are bound to get disappointed ...

Just read this on the internet. Something that I had been meaning to write about too. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Memories... they are potent things... because they never leave us. Even when the people we shared them with cease to exist, memories remain... etched in the deepest corners of our soul. Sometimes they are our source of comfort and other times the reason behind our joy. We often reflect on them when thinking about the lessons learnt in life and every now and again, a memory has the power to completely transform us. But memories can be harsh too. They can haunt you, mock you, break your heart into a million pieces and remind you of all you had and what you lost. But can you really destroy or rewrite memories? No, of course you can't... just like you can't erase them from your mind. ------------------------------------------...

It is difficult to please everyone. Especially, your mother, seniors at work, colleagues, friends, siblings! Teachers too. No matter how polite you've been to them during your college days- they'll scarcely recognize a bit and reciprocate your friendly smile when you visit college after you've graduated. I was so dejected today morning. And, writing a blog seemed to work, until I wrote here. Rereading this and all those unwanted memories come flashing back to me. I know I am not perfect. No one is! That should definitely not be the reason for my mother to tell me to opt for an eye surgery- Laser eye operation. Now, I've been wearing glasses for almost 13 years now. So, it naturally just feels like a part of my body. I can't imagine going back to a life without glasses. When I was growing up, I thought I was ugly. I still sometimes do. And the day I wore my glasses first to school, it felt great- felt different. Maybe, its weird for others to understand. O...