Why?

Something that I started a few days ago, well, actually more than a month ago, it no longer makes me happy. My interest has not totally subsided but I can't find the longing for it in the same intensity when I first started. And who can I put the blame for this? Me, of course, no one else. I don't feel like my former self any more. I don't wish to dwell in too much misery either but the drive to get things done and put my energies into it is increasingly missing. I feel like I am losing a substantial part of my persona which controls me and eggs me to do things. Not just do things, but be alive and active. That go-getter attitude is missing. And it is me alone who realises this, because for others my positive spirits are visible and even an inspiration but my inner me knows what is wrong.

It's absurd at times when this realisation sets in that perhaps I am troubling myself unnecessarily, that it's all in my mind except it is not. What is happiness after all? I was never a very happy-go-lucky attitude person but I wasn't this morose soul either. That balance is lost. I hope it isn't entirely lost and someday I'll be able to strike it back again. My concept of lost and found should undergo a change. I mustn't keep this account of everything that goes wrong in my way of doing. Things change and nothing really happens according to our will or is this also a misconception I have harboured for a long lifetime? My brain feels totally confused. It is this feeling when every information that enters my head, stops without getting processed. Like everything is a blur of confusion, chaos and uncertainty. It doesn't help that I can't find the origins and reasons for this behaviour. It's all happening in my brain so my outer physical appearance is fine. I wish I could get a hold on this negativity.

Some days I just can't interlink my fingers together to do some exercise or work on something that requires hand coordination. It pisses me off to no end but I can't pinpoint my nerves and muscles to act accordingly. I will go nuts trying to figure out this bizarre correlation between my thoughts and the current happenings dizzying my spirits. Never have I ever felt such helplessness and discord within myself. They say, life is a struggle but it's absolutely terrifying to not know the paths untangling us from its hold. Must we live in obscurity all this while trying to figure out the strange and the unknown?