The Rebelle blog

The title has got nothing to do with the dessert and yet I choose it to describe a bad day today. It so happens that after spending too much time in a happy state much like a Gulabjaam/ Gulabjaamun drenched in the saccharine sweetness of life, the occasional bitter gourd pops up to help balance our sugar levels.  Sometimes fear can take away all self- confidence we have built up. It takes days and months and years of such sustained efforts to let go of our inhibitions and come up with a stronger persona that we reserve for everyone. Then there comes a day when this fear peels away our well-developed confidence. It is crazy how time is often the only constant when such a downfall takes place. Running away is out of the question too. Do people, the ones we consider our near and dear ones understand what we are going through? Would they know how hard we are trying to fight back this state of uncertainty? The chaos-filled in my head has distracted and disturbed the balance I soug...

It's a cold night. I am sitting by the window, and the house is alive with its sounds and smells. I bought some Champa flowers in the evening, promptly put one in my hair and then forgot about it. Just as I was thinking of putting on some music to relieve the drowsiness from the day, some other work has me distracted.  We are working on some wardrobe changes in the house. I promptly work on design software and show 3D images to my parents. They still trust and go with the word of the good old carpenter (Mestry) as we call him. While rethinking for the wardrobe, I realize the vast amount of old junk me and my Dad have harnessed over the years. His is from the late '70s and mine has been sitting there as beloved childhood treasure that includes books, magazines, toys, memorabilia in the form of medals and trophies. I remember what a source of pride it used to be to collect trophies for various achievements in school. Later as I grew up, during college times the sheen of tro...

Today was an exceptionally dull Saturday. It was super hot and my spirits were longing for some greens and refreshments. After doing everything possible to entertain my dull mind, right from listening to peppy music and writing to friends, I gave up and slept for two hours instead. And, how good do I feel now! A nap was all it took to put back some vigor into a drab day like this.  Ah! These summer days.  I am now poised to get back to work. A writing assignment that seems to loom overhead as I keep postponing it. A casual stroll through Facebook brought me to a friend's witty shenanigans there and I was transported back to a time of visiting him last summer. How happy do I feel to remember those moments, reliving them again and again as if on a loop. Everything stands still except me and the memories. Thankfully, I am able to reconstruct most memories the way they are in my head. I also wrote to a faraway friend over email and the simple gesture of exchanging pleasa...

We are all where we should be!  Read this in a book today and as if on autopilot mode, my mind went back through days and months and years from my recent past. Are we all really where we should be or where we ought to belong? A Saturday as today where I have only popped medicines in my mouth and slept to my weak body's content, makes me insightful at this evening hour. All of us are together and yet drowned in our individual worlds. There's much to the situation. Unstable outside and seething inside about it.  Today morning started with a strange dream where I thought I was seeing myself because I could hear my voice except the face wasn't mine. Nor was the house where I saw myself moving about in the dream. Then I woke up and all memory and context of it is gone. I can scarcely remember any other detail although I heard my voice. It is not my nature to dwell too much upon dreams but this definitely got me intrigued until now. Then there are things that we lose...

By sheer chance, I reached early today at the train station. In the past few days, there has been a crazy churning of thoughts and ramblings in my head which find an outpouring here, somehow on the train platform whilst waiting for the train. It got me thinking of the many moments and years of train travelling where there wouldn't be enough time to ponder upon all these thoughts. My twenties were spent in a hectic train travel where the journey would be either spent reading or sleeping. Since it took a good two hours minimum for travel within the city, this little break was essential for recharging the energies. The winter seems brutal this year with temperatures dipping down and me, who hasn't ever experienced the coveted "mumbai winters" find myself adjusting to the chill and foggy landscapes. The foot fracture has been troubling me. Cold has seeped into my bones and made walking painful. The inflammation makes it difficult to traverse long distances or stand for ...

Until you mentioned it, I hadn't bothered about the date and the day. A lot of laughter as usual but I can't seem to remember most part of our conversation. Perhaps, because you seemed to hypnotize the surroundings around you. For once, you were talking and I wasn't. It was a surreal moment to see you there after this long. Is this the defining year in our lives when things shall change? When we realise that people will not always share the same vibes as us and that not many shall complement our ways and thoughts. Or, perhaps we know this truth already. I ask a hundred questions in my head and get answers to them through your silence. The hustle bustle of coffee bars and bakeries, the sweet aromas that linger with each visit to a city we love so much binds us together. I look at the crowds and disperse with them as you stay back in my mind.  The magic in my life seems to traverse with your response and kindness. Have I always felt such dependence on you for my emoti...

I missed my morning train today by fraction of a second. Sat down on the station platform seats for half an hour until the sights around me overpowered me into an irritation. While I was making grand plans of things to do as I begin work, it dawned upon me that a slight detour is putting me into such a negative spiral. Perhaps, I am taking things too seriously but then, when haven't I? Armed with a fat book in hand, waiting for the train can be a rather long ordeal. In the meantime, I see more trains apart from my destination departing the station. Secretly I envy the people who leave for their work on time, take the same train and are punctual to the core. This morning is making me churn some unwanted thoughts. All I need is some calm and quiet. The change in my routine has slightly unbalanced my composure today morning. This is also a lesson. The trivialities of life are bogging me down. Or, a missed train ride is making me think so drastically. In any case, I am looking a...