There is simply too much to do. Too much academic strain, too much to stress about life's not-so-good moments, too much sorrow, too much work I would like to accomplish in 24 hours than I usually get done. This 'too much' is creating a big havoc in my brain right now. I find myself in a constant dilemma to wade my way through all this seemingly messy chaos. Is chaos ever organized?
As I go through another round of exams and academia, just for a tiny second a thought about whether this is all really worth crosses my mind. But it's best to shove all this unwanted negative thinking under the carpet. Some days are bad, some days are good, but in the end it all comes down to our grit and self- confidence. Yes, yes, I have been falling into a quite persistent cycle of hopelessness, self-trust and misplaced faith. It's a chakra- an endless rabbit hole where I keep tugging towards a spirit that pulls me down at ends and sometimes just lifts and soars my heart to great hopes. This is life! Howsoever much I try to put myself down through my own misery, some motivation keeps me going. It tells me to try harder and put more effort and not be bogged down by failures.
This very constant struggle between striving for success, commanding respect and anxiety that often keeps swinging between possibility of failure and anticipation of failure, is very hard to express. It's like an invisible ghost that keeps hanging on our necks. And there never seems a time when I could sit by myself and say that this is the beginning of success because the very idea of failure then starts pulling me down. But as I look back on all the instances of success and failures according to my own definition, then it has been a rewarding journey through all these years. Surely, when I was a school student I was more driven towards being successful and loathed failure, almost cringed at the idea of failing. Then, as I grew up plying my way through college and the more rigorous academic world, I realised failures are as important and necessary as success is. They teach lessons which help us develop a capacity to endure the hardships all of us face through the course of life. I know this sounds like a jargon filled self-motivating writing attempt but this is a honest expression of my feelings.
We live in a highly competitive world. Everyday is a race to reach targets, places, goals and ambitions, all in 24 hours, while attached to the clock. While this is rather a depressing thought to express that our greed for more keeps us hanging mid-way between really achieving our potential as individuals, it also tells us that we are fallible. And it is an assuring human trait for it just shows us being capable of failing and rising up from these failures. It means we have the ability to shine after going through dark, after being through pain, it is our sheer will to be happy that keeps us going. Yesterday, my Dad messaged me a similar thought about love and time being carriers of eternal hope. Just what I needed to imprint on my mind for getting out of this dark reverie and making it worth to live and see yet another day full of new vigour and ambition.
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