Wednesday musings

I just got some news about something I was eagerly awaiting for since the past few months. I am supposed to be happy but I am not. Clearly the focus and attention from the said news has lost its value for me. Isn't is quite common to find that something we long for loses its prospects after sometime? Especially if these prospects are regarding employment. Career shift. I can't quite fully fathom in what terms this move will reward my future. Will it tie me to a stagnant post or will it truly let some practical issues be sorted out and declutter the existing chaos? I wish I had an idea about everything that happens the way it does. Right now, my brain is in a frenzy. There are times when I wish I had a more diplomatic bone in my body so that I could not let everything get by so easily around me. Once we get comfortable about a position, chances are we rarely lead ourselves to experiment and step up further. It's like the classic life move for women; study, graduate with good grades, work for a while, earn money, get married, have kids, invest in their life and then towards the peaking years of the children's career keep thinking hard about life's many missed opportunities. The ones we didn't pick because we thought there were plenty floating around us. I have seen these women, read about them, lived with them, surely, I won't be thinking of being one of them? But we become the people we are when we live with them. It's a constant hammering of grooming processes, endless in number and each with their own heightened sense of rewards that make look our ambitions so trifle and unachievable.

Even as I write here, I am aware of how in a few years, regardless of my career choices and the future I'd be living in, I will come back to this post and remember every single moment of penning these thoughts here. The memory won't go away. I hope I don't look back with a longing for these moments because I would like to believe things get better as we get better. It is quite a challenge to remain stoic about decisions that are wholly my prerogative, not bequeathed neither influenced. It is but a stubborn and hard fought mechanism for self-preservation against everything that seems to break us as individuals. I could keep writing about a hundred things that ought to have occurred with my will power but are instead roll-ons by the institutions we trusted and learned our way in to manoeuvre ourselves to stay afloat, in the system. And this could keep repeating with the next generations until we do look at it with rational patience and outlook. 

I am going to quit all this overthinking and jump at the opportunity because it is I who is needy. Never let disappointments make you regret passing chances you could have taken. In the end, nothing is worth regretting, really. I suppose I sound better when I am trying to soothe and explain things to myself better first. It is quite amusing to not share these trivialities because it feels like the potential these little cracks carry within them could end up destroying the entire light source. There I go on again, with my cryptic ideas which have been expressed more than once on this platform. I know my spontaneity keeps perking high especially when it comes to berating myself over minor issues and debates but it's time to make peace. Stop overthinking is the first essential on my list of to-do things. Next comes, limiting myself in a lot of aspects- financial, personal, professional; whatever it takes to make me stand like a rock instead of imagining throwing them up every time something goes wrong. And most importantly, really, stop imaginary deriding. There's way too much that goes on in human brains and most of these things are so meaningless and utterly useless to deserve space in the cranium. Our hold on our emotions slips at times and gets an upper hand. I most positively wish to balance doing that. Now that it is being written here, I shouldn't care if most of this or less of it or any iota of it ever resonances back because I hope it won't. A little wait won't hurt. Knowing I am less enthusiastic about it doesn't help but I feel calm already and by tomorrow, this will be a post from yesterday. So, why not let things unfold in their own dramatic manner and just keep going instead of predictions and a thousand nerve affecting imaginary situations?  About time to get up and blow the dust.