Skip to main content

Of ruined love and liberation

You know what distracted minds do? I will tell you. They pay bills twice like I did. I am so off my element that I have been paying electricity bills twice a month and this is not just the first time. I have done it at least twice before. Today was a jolt though. Why is this happening to me? Everything feels so disarrayed and disturbed that I dare not nail another coffin as it is with my current state of mind. A very sympathetic friend has unusual kind words for me. He says, "Not everyone and everything is for everyone. Different keys fit different locks." Isn't that an amazing thing to say to somebody who is wrecked severely or so they think themselves to be? My friend also said that life will take care of us, one way or the other. Don't I like his optimism! 

I know things will eventually get better but my helplessness over the situation is constantly pushing me over the edge and dangerously making me sway to its unpredictability. I know this is not going to last long and I will sooner or later although I prefer sooner, get over it. Working is not getting better. It's a tussle between things that matter and things that exist to choose from an array of options lined together. I have never felt this cryptic and hopeless about putting myself at the core of issues so seriously like I do now. Something has changed, for worse or for better is yet to be known. My only wish is to cram everything together in a big sphere and keep it rotating so that I still get to choose which way I heed ahead. I always derive answers in my brain. They are perfect there. Every little detail is worked out meticulously until it begins to happen in reality. I often laugh at the mediocrity of events that really pull me up off my feet. People make decisions for me, on my behalf, not half-expecting I could rebel against them and admonish this strenuous self-imposed power I have given them over myself. I think I was a very quiet teen and hence my adulthood appears to have such a workload of angst and issues I can't quite identify and fix on my own. To love's many myths and popular notions of liberation, I have had the opposite crazy scene acted in front of me. I don't want to get into a mess and that leads to more chaos instead of smoothing the visible lines. And overthinking really kills half of the energy required for dealing with troubles. Already do I feel like nothing is going as per plans and did I even have one when I started out, I can't remember.

But then this is me. I often look back and learn and remember some things better than I ought to. I am programmed to make mistakes umpteen times but I also learn. The self-pity can get us over for a month, what it does to the rest of our happy spirits for life is seriously harmful. And I do know better than doing this to myself. Even if it's here on this blog. Because grumpy words send out grouse and misery and it comes to haunt us again. Since we live in a large universe, and even the smallest of our star dust bodies hold a speck and allure of the brightness we are capable of, I might just shut my overthinking lobes and get down some calm vibes for my nerves. Let's shove this aside though. It's high time I do. How many chances will life offer?

I clearly remember a few years earlier, my motto to inspire and encourage myself and my colleagues was, Truth always prevails. There's nothing more powerful than honesty and truth within us. Surround our self with honesty and we will always be surprised with the way people seem after exploring this natural trait within them. Quite possibly, it's one of the most comforting sensations I have experienced. There's never any weight of lies or remembering twisted factual information one can't cope up with. It's hard to lie and keep carrying that burden all the time just in case we need to rephrase all that. Quite frankly it has to be embarrassing as hell. Hence, two things I have come to value most are honesty and loyalty. These simply have to be present. If I can't express my love loyally and honestly, how can I ever expect anyone else to do that to me in return? 

I guess, I have been dedicating a lot of time and thought to love and its liberating effects these days. It is but time I thought of it and not just passively but actively in all its relevant sense to my age. I think it's a hot topic between my friends and me lately. All of us deserve to be loved. And at times when my cynicism really starts creeping in when I listen to my friends go all gooey on love and being loved, I stop my brain from hammering me with thoughts and let my mind rest for a while. Yes, it will come in all forms and we may not know when it comes. I just want to take this opportunity to never stop believing and thinking about love's endless potential. I want to remind myself that certain feelings cannot be ruined by shared experiences we see and hear about all the time in media and books and music. It's a coping mechanism against coming up with better reasons to fight our anxieties surrounding this emotion. I feel an overwhelming guilt floating across my chest when I think of the times I rejected the many myriad opportunities that came my way. I was young and uncomfortable listening to my heart's many sayings. I was also a stubborn and headstrong person who believed in building my own trusses without involving anything that would soften my disposition in life. It was a great phase too for a young adult to battling through those years of self-inflicted conscious choices about life. Who knew what would happen then? I only had an inkling of how they ought to be and I am so happy and proud about the journey. What these years have taught me is that give a chance to express love and let it liberate your senses. It's the most lively I have ever felt. I hope it resonates with many. Amen.



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

या जन्मावर, या जगण्यावर...शतदा प्रेम करावे?

पुस्तकांच्या आणि निसर्गाच्या साथीत जेवढा वेळ छान जातो आणि सार्थकी लागल्यासारखा वाटतो तितका खचितच कुठेतरी अन्यत्र वाटतो. नवीन वर्षात केलेल्या संकल्पांपैकी एक म्हणजे वाचलेल्या प्रत्येक पुस्तकावर स्वतःचं विवेचन लिहिणं. सुरुवात तर झाली आहे. साहित्य संमेलनाच्या निमित्ताने आणि वर्ष अखेरीच्या पार्श्वभूमीवर मुंबईतल्या बऱ्याच बुक स्टोर्सनी भर भक्कम डिसकाउंट जाहीर केला होता. मी देखील नाही नाही म्हणता लोभाला भुलून पार ATM मध्ये जाऊन पैसे काढून पुस्तकं खरेदी केलीत वर्षाच्या शेवटच्या दिवशी. टिव्ही वरच्या असंख्य कार्यक्रमांवर नजर फिरवल्यास असं चित्र दिसतं कि समाजाच्या नैतिक मूल्यांशी कार्यक्रम बनवणाऱ्यांच काहीच घेणं-देणं दिसत नाही. माणसांची पतच एवढी रसातळाला गेली आहे कि कपोलकल्पित आणि वास्तव जग यांची चांगलीच सरमिसळ आपण करून ठेवली आहे आणि त्यातून बाहेर पडण्याचे आपले काहीच मनसुबे वाटत नाही. आज सकाळी विचार करता करता माझ्या असं लक्षात आलं कि आपण किती उगाच खलबतं करतो, आपला दुरान्वये संबंध नसलेल्या गोष्टींबद्दल. काल रात्री जेवताना मी कुमार केतकरांचं "बदलते विश्व" हे साधारण दहा वर्षांपूर्व

गौरी देशपांडे आणि मी

आज २७ फेब्रुवारी. कविवर्य कुसुमाग्रज यांचा जन्मदिवस आणि मराठी भाषा दिवस. त्यानिमित्त मला आवडणाऱ्या एका मराठी लेखिकेच्या पुस्तकाचं विवेचन इथे करते. गौरी देशपांडे- मराठी वाचणाऱ्या साऱ्याच वाचकांना हे नाव जितकं परिचित आहे तितकच फार जवळचं देखील आहे. मी सर्वप्रथम गौरी देशपांडे यांची एक कथा शाळेत असताना अभ्यासली होती- कलिंगड. आणि कित्येक दिवस मी त्या कथेच्या पुढे अजून काही असेल का म्हणून उत्सुक आणि अस्वस्थ होते. दहावीत असताना वाचली होती म्हणून त्यांचं सर्व लिखाण वाचून काढायचं हे ठरवलं. पुढची चार- पाच वर्ष त्यांचं असं काही वाचनात आलं नाही. नंतर 'आर्किटेक्चर' शिकताना कॉलेजच्या ग्रंथालयात मराठी पुस्तकांचं कपाट दिसलं. आणि पाहिलं पुस्तक जे मी घेतलं नी वाचलं ते गौरी देशपांडेंचं 'मुंबई-तळेगाव-ग्रीस' असा प्रवास करणारी 'मुक्काम' हि दीर्घ कथा/कादंबरी. त्याचं दुसरं पुस्तक वाचलं ते म्हणजे 'आहे हे असे आहे', आणि त्यात मला परत एकदा सापडली ती 'कलिंगड' हि कथा. मी चार-पाच वेळा ते पुस्तक वाचून काढलं परीक्षा सुरु होण्याच्या काही दिवस आधी, एप्रिल मधेच आणि त्या कलिंगडाची

आठवणीतल्या पाऊस गोष्टी!

गेल्या आठवड्यापासून पाऊस सगळीकडे चांगलाच पडतोय आणि हळूहळू पावसावरचे लेख देखील वाचण्यात येऊ लागलेत. मला फार पूर्वीपासूनच पावसात भिजणं आवडत नाही. कॉलेजच्या दिवसांत देखील ट्रेनने प्रवास करताना अनेकवेळा चिंब भिजून त्या गर्दीत चढताना जीव नकोसा व्हायचा. मला सर्दी लवकर होते म्हणून देखील मी पावसात भिजणं कटाक्षाने टाळते. तर आज हा इथे लिहिण्याचा उहापोह यासाठी की एका मैत्रिणीने तिच्या पावसाळी दिवसांच्या भुट्टा खाणाऱ्या आठवणी लिहिल्यात आणि त्या वाचून मी देखील काही क्षण त्या सुंदर गतकाळात स्थिरावले.  एके दिवशी पावसात चिंब भिजून कॉलेजला पोहोचले तर तिथे आमचा स्टुडिओच गळत होता. सगळीकडे फरशीवर पाणी आणि त्या अंधारलेल्या जागेत आम्ही मिळेल त्या कोरड्या जागेत बसलेलो मला आजही लक्ख आठवतंय.  नंतरच्या आठवणी ह्या जेजेतल्या हिरव्या पटांगणावर पडणाऱ्या पाऊसधारा बघण्याच्या आणि नाचत उड्या मारत पावसाला चकवत स्टुडिओ ते कॅन्टीनला पळण्याच्या ह्या होत्या.  इंटर्नशिपच्या काळात व्हीटी ते कुलाबा बहुतांशी मी पायीच प्रवास करायचे. तेव्हा छत्री सांभाळत, हातातलं पुस्तक भिजू न देता, इतर लोकांना चुकवत तो रस्ता चालताना देखील वेगळीच