Whisper of the Heart!

 ...Country roads, take me home

 To the place I belong!

I am crooning to Olivia Newton- John singing this lovely, understated melody from the Studio Ghibli movie 'Whisper of the Heart.' I watched it one slow summer night as I was lying low with self-doubt and an extreme dip into my self-esteem. What a saver it turned out to be! I resonated with Shizuku, her love for reading and writing and struggling to fit in the ideas of how everyone wanted her to be. How strange that age is truly just a number, and anybody can feel vulnerable yet derive strength from such visually striking stories. Coming of age is just a phenomenon and we can do so at any point in our lives. 

So enthralled was I with the viewing that I rewatched it a couple of days later with another young friend. The feeling remained the same, filled with awe and a resonance with her discoveries. I became a little girl once again and relished the things that made me, ME. Sometimes it takes not people but a work of art in this case a movie from 1995 when I was a young girl myself but wasn't privy to the world of Studio Ghibli yet, to see what it is to be a person with conviction. We always talk about finding our true selves and I'd been helping others do that, never investing in self. Or perhaps this realization took time to hit me consciously. In any case, Shizuku became just that after Francie Nolan from A Tree grows in Brooklyn- someone whom I adored in my 20s. 

Now that I am here writing about my year gone by with a reminder that things didn't go as I planned but didn't go as awry as I had imagined either. Of course, there's so much to learn and see and explore when it comes to people as well. The biggest lessons this year were with regards to finding myself when everyone held their ideas of me as a person. I underwent a lot of stress too, majorly having to deal with negating the ideas thrown around me desperately trying to cling to me, while I tried to be patient and kind but couldn't be to self. Another thing learnt is to put myself when and where others wish for me to affirm to their thoughts and wishes. It's great to be able to empathize with people but certainly harmful when it turns so harmful for self. I heard and witnessed harsh meltdowns, some that almost broke my heart and yet I healed it back to value what I believed in for so long. I do have some regrets where I wasn't able to help people who really needed some bold reality check, but then not everyone listens to your heart's whispers. 

It's alright that I gave my time and ears and energy to people and felt hurt and stressed and anguished in return. It had to happen, and it did. Now I know who I am and how much kindness I can bestow. Perhaps I will be less judgmental about myself and be more receptive of the world around me. Always new things to learn. 2024, I welcome you with all my heart as I bid goodbye to 2023 and hope to become all that I wished to be and more, to always be able to listen to the whisper of my heart.