Find balance...

....find balance and keep the circle flowing! 

I woke up today to find myself entirely unable to cope up with the change in weather after having spent the last few days transitioning between different places. That feeling of being lost, and not able to pin a certain emotion as to how I really felt pushed me into a deeper abyss of chaos. My mind was reeling with a thousand clumsy thoughts of not belonging to anywhere whereas I wanted to, so badly. 

Come evening, and I unleashed my chaos on to a paper with a yellow paint. Strangely it felt so calm and familiar as I kept going around in circles with the paint brush. The swirls kept moving around in all directions even as my mind kept wandering between people and their stories and my own unfinished conversations with them. I took to writing in my diary everything that happened over the past few days and yet as I went through some pages, I felt like an outsider getting to know little details from a stranger's life. I have had this feeling for a while about not being myself even as I questioned the identity I had set for myself, an image of various prisms that makes me whole.

This has been an ongoing conversation, a series of conversations with different people and the same old me. I keep struggling to be me; can I be different with different people? Or must I be the same person for everyone including myself? Where do I find myself? Where do I find answers to my deepest anguish and sorrows that I discover lie within my radius of existence? 

Even as I cower down to some thoughts that make me feel so lonely and lowly, this feeling of being inadequate ceases to diminish. I keep thinking that time shall help me forget this misery I'm putting myself through only to realise time is scarce. I find every waking minute giving me a jolt of reality about squandering what I have now and can do whilst being immersed in some imagined utopia of angst and grief. Everything is rolled into a giant goofball of emotions, too many afterthoughts and seemingly unnecessary heartache over not doing right. This constant vigilance over being right and trying to do right and convincing self to be one, is draining my energy. Hard as I might try, the unwelcome chaos in my head is turning everything into a nightmare. 

Somewhere, I hope to find the balance and keep this circle going and flowing whilst maintaining my sanity. Amen!