Today was a day of major realization about some missed opportunities. I felt terribly miserable even as I told myself to look at the other things. It prompted me to work out in another direction which I am now quite hopeful about. Did I really take some things for granted in the past two months? I did and I know it. How do I make myself not think too much about it? No clue but hopefully not let my mind wander towards these thoughts. It's quite silly as I look back and keep going towards the incidents in the recent past. And yet, only yesterday did I feel so content and calm over having a long luncheon conversation with my friend. We met for the first time since the pandemic shut us inside our homes. It felt so surreal to be able to sit in a restaurant with people, high voices, background music, laughter and occasional interruptions of new arrivals through the door. Almost like the world had never stopped.
I indulged myself in some material happiness as I bought a couple of books at a pre-owned and used bookstore. While I rummaged through their shelves laden with dust looking through the titles, I was stuck by the simplicity of the moment. As if I was looking for some treasure and a sudden find could surprise me! I did enjoy myself with the thought of splurging on something to read. I have begun reading Maria Stepanova's translated copy of In Memory of Memory. As I struggle to see much during evening afterhours in the artificial lights, my reading has been hazy and sketchy at best not going beyond a couple of pages without straining my eyes. I pick up In Memory of Memory and rummage through random pages, fixating my attention on abstract themes that she has written about. I read about her reminiscing on photographs and the reality they possess even as my mind goes back many years to my childhood. The slightly faded color photographs with their blurred corners which appear to be more prominent now make me think of those moments when they were clicked. I wish to be there in that photographed moment as though it were happening again and really see through the surroundings around me.
During lunch today, I feel the loss of my appetite as I sit eating numbly thinking about a thousand things at once. Around 4:30, I get up from the sofa to drink some water and realize how parched my throat feels. The cold water doesn't quench my thirst and I keep wandering from room to room before finally settling on the bed. A quick phone call from my friend who is getting married in two weeks from now feels like an aberration of my thoughts. I then spend more time in front of the laptop until the doing becomes senseless. I suddenly don't know what I am looking at. This trance gave me a tiny jolt and I ended up doing what I had to eventually and something that I was unnecessarily pushing afar and away from me. I shouldn't expect anything and this is what I am trying to tell my brain so that it does not go running towards what I wish ardently to happen. I am throwing my thoughts out here in the open hoping that now my mind will calm down and be somewhere else.
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