On death

I am scared of Death. Of losing my loved ones. And no matter how many articles I read about how it's the norm of human life and such, I can't shrug off the thoughts on death. The very first realisation or my encounter with death was witnessing my Great-grandmother's funeral. I was five then. I remember till this day, very clearly in my head and can see in front of my eyes her shrunken body on the floor decorated with flowers. Years later when I was nine and read an Amar Chitra Katha series book on Dr. B R Ambedkar, did I know what a funeral procession was and how big! The next gruesome account happened while reading Oliver Twist when I was eleven and I couldn't bear imagining Agnes dying in the old courthouse and images of Nancy bludgeoned to death. It all seemed so cruel and utterly disturbing. The very first thought of losing a beloved was when I was quite grown up. I was fifteen and had just witnessed the worst fight among my parents and I told them bitterly that they could throw me in an orphanage if they wished to go their own ways. I could die and they wouldn't care a bit. I am unsure of how I got the courage to speak such despicable things yet necessary as they seemed at that time to me. That was the first and only time I had such a meltdown with my parents.

I dream of my beloved people on funeral pyres and it absolutely sickens me that I could imagine something like this in my half-conscious sleep state. I told this to a friend and he said, whenever you see death in your dreams, it just means you are capable of handling any adversity in life. I don't believe his theory at all. It weakens me more when I dream of death. It scares me to live in the present. There is a perpetual fear of getting lost and being directionless if I have to witness death of my loved ones. No, I cannot let it happen to me. I can't dream about it. The mind is a feeble being indeed. I have no control over it. Everytime my parents travel long distance or are flying, my mind churns thousands of stupid scenarios. I keep scolding my mind to shut up and think positive and good things, of happy times ahead. Its very temporary. Perhaps, I am just too concentrated on the worldly pleasures of this life. Why else would I seem to be so afraid of things that are not in my control? Now that I am pouring everything that's going through my mind here, I hope I will be at peace. I hope I won't have these thoughts again. Because its unhealthy! Totally detrimental to living a life with the best possible means and to carry forward the gift of existence. Our thoughts affect our universe, our own little world. So, think good and positive things and let go off negativity. Peace be upon everyone. Amen.