The Rebelle blog

It's a blur since a few days, once again. I am home!  There have been good things and bad, and events that surprised me out of nowhere. I hadn't anticipated knowing and learning so much in the past few days of being back here. Mostly, the realization of being so conversant with my thoughts again has changed how I feel here. All it takes is a slow Sunday to reflect upon everything that's happening.  More than a week ago, time seemed to loom ahead in an expansive quantity. Now that I am writing here, I realise how much of it I have squandered. We always ponder and regret but never enjoy when we are present in the moment. Old habits die hard. As Simone De Beauvoir once wrote:  I'm not tragic these days, I don't weep, but I feel alone, bewildered, far from you, far from everything — nothing has any meaning. I feel this departure from my old self. I am self-reminiscing the old times and me in it but would not like to continue doing so. Yet, I think about it constantly si...

It's been about 20 days that I am here. Every day that I look back on confuses me ever  more. Is everything happening because it was meant to be Or I do possess some hold over events in the manner in which they are happening?! It's been a rigorous few weeks in terms of coping up with people, their expectations and the gradual process of falling into someone else's thinking. I find sanity in moments of happiness that are sporadic. I find myself questioning the reasons of being here and am unable to justify them, even in my own head.  The newness of being has transitioned into numbness of being. I find myself searching for answers that have no questions. My heart is stressed even more than my mind is. There is a vacuum in my thoughts and my ever-so-optimistic self is hiding behind this vacuum. The emptiness that stares at me everyday is drowning me into an abyss of misery and anguish. The days are spiralling into a fall that I  fear is going to impact me far worse than my m...

BEATLES and MURAKAMI! How do I thank thee for making this evening so pleasurable?! It's one of those evenings where the calm washes over me even as I sit silently listening to the muffled sounds of the drizzling rain outside my living room window. I am thinking of Kafka and stumble upon Murakami's Norwegian Wood playlist on Spotify. You know the serenity in our minds when familiar music makes us feel the quiet pace of a long day and week. My cousin, a musician himself shares amazing music and I believe my musical affinities have since grown from interactions with him. All the troubles seem far away like the Beatles croon on this soft slow evening hour.  These moments of happiness where the flowers bloom in my head and light up memories like diamonds as I take the beauty in the mundane! The magic of the golden hour is back and I want to see how far I can make it to the finish line (if there is one!) and be always home as I explore the blue sea. 

रिमझिम गिरती बूंदो को खिड़की से देखते हुए आज सुबह की चाय का मजा  दुगुना  हो गया। Spotify पर भी गानों  की महफ़िल जमी थी और मैं ना जाने कितने बीते हुए मौसम याद कर चुकी उनको सुनते हुए। क्या रिश्ता है बारिश का हम सभी से जो हम उसे इतना रूमानी कर देते हैं, हमारी बातों में, गानों में और यादों में भी? जैसे मुझे लगता है चाय के साथ भी हम बहुत ज्यादा गुफ्तगू कर लेते है। हर मौसम चाय का स्वाद अच्छा ही लगता हैं। चाहे गर्मियों की शामें हो, या जाड़ों की सुबहें या हो किसी गरजते हुए बारिश की दोपहर। हर शहर की बारिश का नजारा और मंज़र अलग, उनसे जुडी अनगिनत यादें और उन यादों में बसते हुए लोग। राह चलते मिले हुए चेहरों की भीड़ भी बारिशों में याद रह जाती। मुंबई की धुआंदार बारिश में कई बार बंद पड़ी ट्रेन में बैठे हुए जो निराशा होती थी वह शायद ही रास्ते पर चलते हुए ना महसूस हुयी हो। मरीन ड्राइव पर समंदर की ऊँची लहरें को देख ठण्ड से कापते हुए K Rustoms के आइसक्रीम सैंडविच का मजा ही कुछ और था। बैंगलोर की बारिश भी मुझे रूहानी लगती थी बस की खिड़की से देखते हुए। वहां पर सड़क के किनारे रूककर गाड़ियों के शोर ...

I am tired of carrying this burden in my heart. Of things that are lost, that make me regret everything I have done and thought so far, of things that haven't worked out. I keep thinking of what could have been done differently and yet it doesn't make sense to me. I am weak in the moments that need my firm defiance.  Will it always be like this? Will I live a life having to always regret my non-doings and doings?  I wish I had answers and more courage to be stubborn. I am neither and this helplessness is wearing off my limited energy to do better for myself. I will be a faceless dot on this planet burning down in my existence. What a wasted chance to have been born! 

Today was a day of major realization about some missed opportunities. I felt terribly miserable even as I told myself to look at the other things. It prompted me to work out in another direction which I am now quite hopeful about. Did I really take some things for granted in the past two months? I did and I know it. How do I make myself not think too much about it? No clue but hopefully not let my mind wander towards these thoughts. It's quite silly as I look back and keep going towards the incidents in the recent past. And yet, only yesterday did I feel so content and calm over having a long luncheon conversation with my friend. We met for the first time since the pandemic shut us inside our homes. It felt so surreal to be able to sit in a restaurant with people, high voices, background music, laughter and occasional interruptions of new arrivals through the door. Almost like the world had never stopped.  I indulged myself in some material happiness as I bought a couple of books a...

Today is the kind of Sunday when I am too drunk on happiness and on music! All it takes for the heart to be happy is a memory and a warm embrace of love we feel for people and everything around us. This peppy cheer is keeping my spirits high and there is a kind of मदहोशी all around. How happy do I feel! And, I am not going to worry about it being impermanent. Something has changed inside me.  I feel like flying high and away, over the clouds and see the world beneath my wings over a swooping glance! My mind is lost in thoughts as I look back over the years and yet there are butterflies in my stomach about the future. I feel like my younger self from last decade when life was so full of things to explore, the world around me was huge and the eagerness to see it all made it so exciting. Every day was a new experience and I was lost in it, trying to find ways to go more deeper in and it felt like I was everywhere. I remember the laughter and tears, the madness and crazy adventure...

I have had too much to do and see in the past two days. So much so that as I look back, it stuns me to recollect all the energy and experience to be collated into a single narrative. At best, I shall be able to list down the activities and then reminisce the vigor of the people with me.  On Friday, along with a large group of youngsters some of us adults ventured to see the city in a new light and lens. We took breaks and pauses as multiple pairs of eyes looked high up the skies to spot elements of architecture strewn on fading and shiny surfaces. There were brief interludes as we waded through the traffic of people and buses, honking taxis and the many dug road sites. Somewhere in quiet streets, bougainvillea blossoms shone with sunlight and buildings gleamed in delight even as we gathered in groups to take in the beauty of horizontal lines around us. There's a certain madness when lots of young hands are raised in motion to capture the many fascinating sights around them. I felt ...

इस साल की शुरुआत काफी अच्छी रही।  मेरी मुलाक़ात इक नयी दोस्त से हुई। वह इतनी जल्दी प्यारी हो गयी की कभी उसके अजनबी होने का एहसास हुआ ही नहीं।  हम बहुत बातें करते हैं, बहुत सारे विषयों पर - संगीत में हम दोनों को बहुत रूचि है, किताबें पढ़ने में वह दिलचस्पी रखती है और रोज सुबह मेरे लिए कॉफ़ी तक बना लाती है। बहुत मीठी, नर्म मिजाज़ की है मेरी दोस्त।  उनका नाम भी उतना ही प्यारा है, बिलकुल उनके स्वाभाव की तरह। मेरी दोस्त कहलाती है - रजनीगंधा! पहली मुलाकात में उनका नाम सुनते ही मैं गाना गुनगुनाने लगी- 'रजनीगंधा फूल तुम्हारे, महके यूँही जीवन में....' ऐसा बहुत काम बार होता हैं जब हम दूसरों से किसी अवरोध बिना अपनी छोटी-बड़ी बातें बाँटते है, बगैर किसी हिचकिचाहट। इसमें सुननेवाले इंसान के संयम को दाद देनी जरूरी है। मेरे बहुत अच्छे दोस्तों में जल्द ही रजनी शामिल हो चुकी है। यूँ तो यह कहना गलत नहीं होगा की बढ़ती उम्र के साथ हमारी दोस्तियां कम हो जाती है, उनमे से बहुत तो ख़त्म तक होती है। हम बस जिंदगी की रफ़्तार में भागते हुये उन्हें भुला देते हैं। किसी फुरसत भरे पल शायद वह हमें याद भी आती है, पर...

2022 is here and I am still writing, although not as regularly as I used to unlike a few years ago. I do not know whether I should attribute my lack of writing to work, other mediums of expression like Instagram or indifference to documenting my thoughts. I still maintain a diary and write in it but how the notes in it have changed over the past few years. As I succumbed to the age old system of being comfortable in my job, I have since given up on a lot of things that were a strong and inherent part of my life.  I am ageing now, being a tad too old to ponder over every single emotion and yet I find myself morose and cheerless having abandoned my ambitious plans. I suppose it's going to be easy, blaming failures and unfulfilled obligations and goals on this self imposed restriction over the past two years. I feel like time is indeed running through my hands before I can even comprehend about the things I wish to do and people I want with me. What a strange longing!  Today also...