The Rebelle blog

I am tired of carrying this burden in my heart. Of things that are lost, that make me regret everything I have done and thought so far, of things that haven't worked out. I keep thinking of what could have been done differently and yet it doesn't make sense to me. I am weak in the moments that need my firm defiance.  Will it always be like this? Will I live a life having to always regret my non-doings and doings?  I wish I had answers and more courage to be stubborn. I am neither and this helplessness is wearing off my limited energy to do better for myself. I will be a faceless dot on this planet burning down in my existence. What a wasted chance to have been born! 

Today was a day of major realization about some missed opportunities. I felt terribly miserable even as I told myself to look at the other things. It prompted me to work out in another direction which I am now quite hopeful about. Did I really take some things for granted in the past two months? I did and I know it. How do I make myself not think too much about it? No clue but hopefully not let my mind wander towards these thoughts. It's quite silly as I look back and keep going towards the incidents in the recent past. And yet, only yesterday did I feel so content and calm over having a long luncheon conversation with my friend. We met for the first time since the pandemic shut us inside our homes. It felt so surreal to be able to sit in a restaurant with people, high voices, background music, laughter and occasional interruptions of new arrivals through the door. Almost like the world had never stopped.  I indulged myself in some material happiness as I bought a couple of books a...